A Road Not Taken

And thus the journey begins...or at least it changes.  Went to yet another doctor about two months ago.  Tired, aching, just no jest for life...then make a change he says.  Well, this time was different. This time I listened.  Some bloodwork, some meds, some adjustment but the biggest change..I heard him.  Yes there are physiological reasons for my issues but the biggest hurdle is the one that drives us all, the fuel that weaves and makes us, creates us in our entirety...the brain, not the one that can be seen on medical scan but the one that makes us the individuals that we are.

I gave him excuses, reasons if you will, for each hurdle..."then change that"  was his simple and steadfast answer to each new blockade I offered to him.  He was as insufferable as the counselor I saw prior to my choice to quit my job years ago and get a divorce.  She, like my current doctor, was unwavering in her belief that no one is forced into a life they do not choose, she too, quickly shot down every excuse I could come up with to keep my life on course.  Health insurance, job security, two incomes, my house, parents should raise a child together, she was prepared for every argument I threw her way, and he too echoed those lessons I had finally accepted so many years before.  The lessons that brought to me more security by letting go, more money by giving up my job and quality time to parent my children by removing the cloud of unhappiness that enveloped my very being.

Today my path did not fork, there was no great divide for which I was forced to make a decision, instead I choose to draw upon a new map.  Leaving behind that which has brought me comfort and familiarity for the new and painful journey ahead, one for which I do believe will ultimately bring me happiness which I have until now only dreamed.

Dreaming was something for others and now as this new map lays out in front of me full of promise and possibility I am filled with hope.  Hope a word that would not have been used to describe my life for many years...this leaves me hopeful.