Creating Our Self Image Part 1

Wow, its been awhile.  Much has happened, I have been avoiding...kind of what got me to be 300lbs in the first place.

Avoiding doesn't serve anyone, secrets don't serve anyone, transparency at least for me, is the cornerstone of my healing.

Shortly after my last post, I took a wonderful, relaxing, exciting cruise with my hubby to the Caribbean. It was a dream come true, I got to take my smaller body out complete with new clothes, a swimsuit and most importantly a smile.  We toured previously only dreamed about places and ventured do things the old me would not even venture to dream of.  The highlight of it all...a dolphin experience, which I highly recommend.  Never have I felt so carefree, never have a felt so light, not just in my body but in the essence of who I was.

We dined on delightful foods, every night at dinner I tried something new, I ventured into new territory with each day.  Never once did I over eat.  I read once that three bites is the magic number, that after three bites we are no longer "enjoying" the food only eating it.  I experimented with this and found it to be quite true,  I pushed away each course of every meal within three bites.  Okay, okay PERHAPS I might have snuck in a fourth bite on the melting chocolate cake but anyone whose tried it would agree that it breaks every rule!

We laughed, we explored, we took in shows, just lived in the minute for the entire time.  It was a celebration of 25 years of marriage (a few months early to avoid hurricane season) we dreamed of tomorrow and all that we would do and experience together.  Best week of our marriage to date.

We disembarked, excited because our vacation now morphed from a cruise to an additional week with our three sons, who live in Charleston, SC a mere 2200 miles from home.  Knowing my Mother woke early I called her excited to share our lively stories of the past week.  She greeted me with excitement shared briefly in our joy then became suddenly evasive and quiet.  Inquisitive I probed her for answers, she hesitant to bring an abrupt stop to our festive moods was not forthcoming with details.  Within minutes I got from her that during our trip, our 21 year old daughter fell down a flight of stairs, broke her back and suffered from a head injury.

Frantic, as mothers tend to be when separated from a needy child, no matter their age, while standing on a street corner in downtown Charleston, near the harbor,  I turned to my husband and demanded that he call a taxi for the airport immediately. I said we are leaving on the next flight no matter the cost, no matter what had to be done.  Mere seconds later my son pulled up and knew immediately by the look on my face that I had indeed found out the news.  He rushed to my side and said simply, "Call her, she is waiting."

After a lengthy, who, what, where and when, she convinced me that my coming home would change nothing.  She had, with the help of our WONDERFUL family doctor, taken care of ex-rays, medication, and the family doc told her to have me call her at home if necessary after I got in to assuage my fears.  Confident that she would keep me well informed we hung up and I began the process of letting go.  Only another mother could understand that feeling of utter and sheer desperation to be so far away from our child in need.

We did indeed stay the full week and while a part of me did travel back to my daughter I did my best to be in the moment with my sons for the week.  Upon my return home, the brevity of our daughters situation began to reveal itself to us.  She did not improve but rather regressed, her speech, her gait, the essence of who she used to be was gone.  Replacing my confident, secure, young lady was a scared child, left without even the ability to express her fears or needs.

Within the month after we returned she was shuffled from one doctor to another, unable to work and eventually unable to even drive, she began to lose her hearing, her vision.  Now left with difficulties speaking, seeing and hearing, she began to lose the feeling in her leg and arm.  She fell again, re-injuring the exact some spot on her head.  It was during a particularly trying day that my phone rang and my husbands hematologist, he is a DVT and PE survivor (deep vein thrombophlebitis and pulmonary embolism)  office called to inquire why we never followed through on his recent CAT scan.

Confused but thinking with everything going  on perhaps I did miss it, I asked what she was talking about.  Three phone calls later I found out his last CAT scan was NOT normal as we were told but quite suspicious.  I arranged for him to get a new scan without too much worry, certainly if something was REALLY wrong the doc would have told us. I received a call from the doctor the day after the scan.  He used words like, "Your husband is a delightful man, I hate to say this"...blah blah blah...GET TO THE POINT.

Long story short, after reviewing the previous cat scans, and speaking with a number of other docs...he has lymphoma.  Most likely stage four.   The numerous nodules, enlarged lymph nodes, fact that they were in all four quadrants, rapidly growing, coupled with some slow growing, added up to nothing good.  I asked what are the possibilities that it could be something else, he said slim to none but we would hurriedly rule out what few things might be at play.

Where was I to turn?  My husband has stage 4 cancer, my daughter has had to drop out of college where she was an honor student, she can't work, drive and doing basic daily task are difficult if not impossible.

Where was I to turn?  While having fun in a tropical setting, my family was unknowingly falling apart.

Where was I to turn?  I could not lean on my now sick husband, I could not further burden our needy daughter.

Where was I to turn?  My once active social life, filled with loving, caring friends, had dwindled with each decade gained on the scale I became more and more reclusive until my only friends existed through online social media.

Where was I to turn?  My friend, my constant companion, the only one that never judged me, that kept constant vigil...food.

Yes, she was not to be trusted as my private sins, she made public on my hips but she had never abandoned me.  She was not suffering the after effects of a traumatic brain injury, she was not teetering on the edge of life and death.  She was warm, cold, sweet, crunchy, salty, bitter, she was there.

Not This Time.

As a child we form our beliefs, they are formed so deep in our sub-conscience that we often don't even know or question them, for me this journey of self discovery, without my former best friend mindless eating, has been all about finding my beliefs then questioning them.  I hold fast to those beliefs that prove themselves to be worthy of keeping and challenge those that would serve to hurt my journey.  The only trouble with challenging is that is isn't like finding a pebble, that you can pick up and view from every angle and then easily discard, it is much more like an iceberg, you may discover it but the complexities sometimes lay too deep to fully explore.

In my lifetime, happiness was a very illusive thing, any hope of being happy was quickly dashed by tragedy or pain.  The past few weeks have brought me...happiness, true happiness, nothing has happened, no event that would bring most to the place of happiness, but rather there has been a feeling from within of contentment, I have let go of the "what if's" that have previously kept happiness at bay. In no way am I saying that throughout my 51 years I have not ever been happy, but rather that fleeting happiness I have felt has been overshadowed by fear.

Earlier this week, after a dreaded but successful clothes shopping trip, I came home, put down my bags, spoke to my dogs and felt it....happiness...only happiness.  I actually stopped what I was doing, took a deep breath and waited...isn't that about as silly as things can be I literally waited for the next few moments, I was as surprised by my feelings as one would be when you walk into a room flip on the light and no light comes on.  We all know the first thing we do is to flip it again!

I stood in my living room and realized that I was indeed having one emotion...simply happiness.  I started to laugh, I am sure my dogs were confused and thankfully no one else was around to see this awkward moment when I realized that a good emotion can exist singularly.  Often that day I stopped to question the validity of my happiness and each time I was left with the same previously unknown feeling, that indeed one can be happy for the sake of happiness alone.

Since that Monday a mere four days ago, I have experienced the wonderful feeling of singular happiness many times.  It has not been followed by fear, unworthiness or a dramatic human event.  Of course, I have dissected it, examined it and questioned it but mostly I have enjoyed it.  Could it change tomorrow?, absolutely! Does that diminish my current joy of experiencing joy...not this time.

Not this time...

Not this time!

What does it take?

Ah the question for which, if I had an answer, I could retire comfortably on a nice island surrounded by staff to service my every need...

What does it take?,  more importantly what are we willing to give?

When I take a trip the first thing I do is map out my route.  I prepare the car, ensure the dogs are taken care of, mail service is arranged, my bags are packed, then get in the car and head out.

When I need a new outfit, I take a look at sales, go to a few stores, try on a few things and make my selection.

As dinner time quickly approaches one takes the time to assemble the ingredients for a nice home cooked meal.  Follows the proper steps to ensure they have a well balanced meal.

EVERY day we all make decisions that impact us.  We know the wrong turn, the wrong size or the wrong sequence of ingredients will drastically affect our trip, our clothing, our meals.

Why then, with the certain knowledge that cause and effect are intrinsic, do we find ourselves repeating over and again those same mistakes that bring us pain, heartache and emptiness?  Do we honestly feel that one day magically the same choice of behaviors will somehow produce a different result?

I am seven months post weight loss surgery, I feel better than I have in years, I am beginning to shop in the regular women's section of a store for the first time in well over two decades, pushing away from the dinner table was beginning to be easy, food didn't have the same allure it once did.  Why then two days ago did I suddenly begin to inhale food?  Where did my new found satiety go?

What am I doing?  What am I searching for?  What am I afraid of? What does it take?

I Got a Job!

I was hired this week to help coordinate a large Expo.  How exciting to begin something new!  Worry over starting up my old brain was not justified as it seems to be working well, and feels good to be putting some very underutilized skills back to work.  Can't begin to say how many hours I have logged in the past few days and the smile on my face as I crank out the workload is such a pleasant change from my previous day to day.

Then fast forward to tonight...I open my facebook page only to be greeted by the offer to confirm my employment by my employer...never had this happen before and seriously I felt as giddy as a teenager.   Silly how something like becoming an employee again can make someone feel.  It was like I was being recognized again after feeling like a "nobody" for so long.  It is NOT that I feel that stay at home Mom's aren't important because I vehemently disagree with that but in my case...my "stay at home mom" status was long ago used up.  Seriously my "baby" turned 21 this year!!

So my journey takes yet another twist and I could not be happier for it.  This week also I broke a VERY long plateau in my weight loss journey so that too feels amazing.  So nice to feel excited for a new day, excited for the future and excited to be alive.