Day to day doldrums

I have come here to post a few times over the past week and left with nothing to say. Those of you that know me, know that I seldom at loss for words.  Guess there just hasn't been anything, "news worthy" lately.  I could tell you all about how my puppy got spayed last week...poor baby, or how my daughter is enjoying college life, my sons caught an alligator (shudder to think!) or how my hubby has been busy working longer than normal hours on night shift.  But these things all put together just reflect another day, another week, another month, none so very different from the ones before.  The things in life that as we go through them seem big but then fade into the background that is life itself.

We are seldom defined by the big things it is the humdrum of life that better defines who we are.  My daughter and I were speaking last weekend when she came to visit how dramatically my life has changed.  When the children were little, it changed in an instant, someone tripped and broke a bone, a school project long forgotten was due in the morning, a heart was broken, feelings hurt...all things that needed an instant response by mom and I was always at the wheel to steer them to calmer waters.

Now my life is defined in a slower more deliberate way.  Still there are those moments that require instant  response but they are further and farther between.  Where then does a mother go when she is no longer defined as a mother?  Shifting gears is a slow and confusing process.  In it's wake I will take more time to see the world around me.  Volunteer more, reflect more, nurture myself more.

Fall

Well for most of the country Fall has fallen upon us.  I live in Arizona so for us it is but a day on the calendar.  Our temps have fallen though they threaten to be back in triple digits by tomorrow...mid October!  For the entire summer I have given myself the excuse that I can't exercise due to extreme heat...what then is my excuse now?

The morning and evening temps have gone down to a quite comfortable walking level, why then can I not find myself outside taking advantage?  I have gone for some short walks with my dogs but honestly these walks are too little and too infrequent.  I have been using my Wii and enjoying the exercise and dancing games, but that too is infrequent and fleeting.

This week I have honestly NOT been living by the code of my surgery.  It is as if I am determined to fail, why do I do this to myself?  How do I climb out of this hole that I have created?  How do I find a way to WANT to climb out?  My life pattern has remained the same...I do well, I stop doing well.

Why do we fall down? What keeps us down and how do we find something worth getting up for?  I am a blessed person, my husband has a good job and we have enough.  Often we don't get everything we want but always there is enough for what we need.  I am a simple person, surrounding myself with a few niceties but for the most part happy with what I have.  I feel complete...yet hopelessly incomplete.

I have fallen...how, when and why will I get up?