Wow, its been awhile. Much has happened, I have been avoiding...kind of what got me to be 300lbs in the first place.
Avoiding doesn't serve anyone, secrets don't serve anyone, transparency at least for me, is the cornerstone of my healing.
Shortly after my last post, I took a wonderful, relaxing, exciting cruise with my hubby to the Caribbean. It was a dream come true, I got to take my smaller body out complete with new clothes, a swimsuit and most importantly a smile. We toured previously only dreamed about places and ventured do things the old me would not even venture to dream of. The highlight of it all...a dolphin experience, which I highly recommend. Never have I felt so carefree, never have a felt so light, not just in my body but in the essence of who I was.
We dined on delightful foods, every night at dinner I tried something new, I ventured into new territory with each day. Never once did I over eat. I read once that three bites is the magic number, that after three bites we are no longer "enjoying" the food only eating it. I experimented with this and found it to be quite true, I pushed away each course of every meal within three bites. Okay, okay PERHAPS I might have snuck in a fourth bite on the melting chocolate cake but anyone whose tried it would agree that it breaks every rule!
We laughed, we explored, we took in shows, just lived in the minute for the entire time. It was a celebration of 25 years of marriage (a few months early to avoid hurricane season) we dreamed of tomorrow and all that we would do and experience together. Best week of our marriage to date.
We disembarked, excited because our vacation now morphed from a cruise to an additional week with our three sons, who live in Charleston, SC a mere 2200 miles from home. Knowing my Mother woke early I called her excited to share our lively stories of the past week. She greeted me with excitement shared briefly in our joy then became suddenly evasive and quiet. Inquisitive I probed her for answers, she hesitant to bring an abrupt stop to our festive moods was not forthcoming with details. Within minutes I got from her that during our trip, our 21 year old daughter fell down a flight of stairs, broke her back and suffered from a head injury.
Frantic, as mothers tend to be when separated from a needy child, no matter their age, while standing on a street corner in downtown Charleston, near the harbor, I turned to my husband and demanded that he call a taxi for the airport immediately. I said we are leaving on the next flight no matter the cost, no matter what had to be done. Mere seconds later my son pulled up and knew immediately by the look on my face that I had indeed found out the news. He rushed to my side and said simply, "Call her, she is waiting."
After a lengthy, who, what, where and when, she convinced me that my coming home would change nothing. She had, with the help of our WONDERFUL family doctor, taken care of ex-rays, medication, and the family doc told her to have me call her at home if necessary after I got in to assuage my fears. Confident that she would keep me well informed we hung up and I began the process of letting go. Only another mother could understand that feeling of utter and sheer desperation to be so far away from our child in need.
We did indeed stay the full week and while a part of me did travel back to my daughter I did my best to be in the moment with my sons for the week. Upon my return home, the brevity of our daughters situation began to reveal itself to us. She did not improve but rather regressed, her speech, her gait, the essence of who she used to be was gone. Replacing my confident, secure, young lady was a scared child, left without even the ability to express her fears or needs.
Within the month after we returned she was shuffled from one doctor to another, unable to work and eventually unable to even drive, she began to lose her hearing, her vision. Now left with difficulties speaking, seeing and hearing, she began to lose the feeling in her leg and arm. She fell again, re-injuring the exact some spot on her head. It was during a particularly trying day that my phone rang and my husbands hematologist, he is a DVT and PE survivor (deep vein thrombophlebitis and pulmonary embolism) office called to inquire why we never followed through on his recent CAT scan.
Confused but thinking with everything going on perhaps I did miss it, I asked what she was talking about. Three phone calls later I found out his last CAT scan was NOT normal as we were told but quite suspicious. I arranged for him to get a new scan without too much worry, certainly if something was REALLY wrong the doc would have told us. I received a call from the doctor the day after the scan. He used words like, "Your husband is a delightful man, I hate to say this"...blah blah blah...GET TO THE POINT.
Long story short, after reviewing the previous cat scans, and speaking with a number of other docs...he has lymphoma. Most likely stage four. The numerous nodules, enlarged lymph nodes, fact that they were in all four quadrants, rapidly growing, coupled with some slow growing, added up to nothing good. I asked what are the possibilities that it could be something else, he said slim to none but we would hurriedly rule out what few things might be at play.
Where was I to turn? My husband has stage 4 cancer, my daughter has had to drop out of college where she was an honor student, she can't work, drive and doing basic daily task are difficult if not impossible.
Where was I to turn? While having fun in a tropical setting, my family was unknowingly falling apart.
Where was I to turn? I could not lean on my now sick husband, I could not further burden our needy daughter.
Where was I to turn? My once active social life, filled with loving, caring friends, had dwindled with each decade gained on the scale I became more and more reclusive until my only friends existed through online social media.
Where was I to turn? My friend, my constant companion, the only one that never judged me, that kept constant vigil...food.
Yes, she was not to be trusted as my private sins, she made public on my hips but she had never abandoned me. She was not suffering the after effects of a traumatic brain injury, she was not teetering on the edge of life and death. She was warm, cold, sweet, crunchy, salty, bitter, she was there.
