Another week, come and gone.

It's Friday...again.  Just another week, nothing good, nothing bad...quite a bit of nothingness, sort of like my life the past few years.  One day stumbles into the next.

If I break it down then perhaps I could say that this week was better than a month ago.  I went to the gym 5 times this week.  Water aerobics 4 times and cardio one. I missed one day because I never went to bed the night before.

Insomnia, my most steadfast companion, had other plans for me.  Perhaps it was four different times that sleep was attempted but mostly clock watching was the activity of the night. I am mostly glad that I don't own a gun because there are nights...I'm just sayin' I know a sure fire way to clear my sinuses.

Okay, the highlights of my week...more exercise. I would like to say less eating but who am I kidding?  Cleaned house, did laundry, ironing, took care of FIVE dogs, wait a minute, surely I have not just listed all these activities under my HIGHLIGHTS of the week, how sad that ironing would make my list of highlights.  I REALLY do need a life.  Well, I did start my book again.  Since the great computer crash of November 2009, that ended up netting me a wonderful new surprise Christmas gift of a new computer, caused me to lose the entire book.  I am now forced to retype the entire book.  I made it to page seven. 

Typing out the book is actually pretty good for me.  I don't like to relive my story but it is good for me.  Gratitude abounds for the decision to write this down while it was still fresh in my mind. I hope it is published one day.  If my story can help just one person it would have all been worth it.

I think the most complex part of being raised by an abuser is that one never really knows what exactly they feel.  Your family is still your family no matter how they treat you.  Hate is strong but love is stronger.  Anger hurts...everyone.  It just doesn't have a place in my life.  I choose to be happy.  I choose to seek peace.  I have peeled away those that would seek to hurt and destroy who I am.  To those that seek to surround themselves with negativity, I say simply...I have no room for this energy in my life. 

The old me said that I should be steadfast and unwavering in my relationships, I was taught that we do what is right because it is right.  I no longer hold that to be true.  Certainly all relationships ebb and flow but when you find yourself losing who you are it is best to step back and question.  Being born into a family should be a blessing not a life sentence.  We must all choose our paths and family has strong and everlasting ties that should be honored and esteemed but never at the cost of self.

This week I did find a bit of myself.  I am preparing my office so that I can have a quiet place to work, I set up a budget to get a better handle on finances, I worked out at the gym and spent far less time in front of the TV, I cleaned out a section of my closet.  One day, one task, one step...forward.  I am not looking back.

Wow is that really me?

Well, with my daughter's birthday over I took the time to download my pictures which I haven't downloaded in about a month...WOW can't believe how I look.

I have never been a vain person, looks just haven't mattered but this was pretty rough.  The last few years have been filled with medical issues and I have used that to shield myself from any sort of self responsibility, while there have been legitimate medical issues that have contributed to my current condition, the truth is I just don't care.  I haven't cared in so long that I forgot HOW to care.

I have long used the excuse that my husband doesn't care so why should I bother....it is time to stop.  This is my journey and somewhere along the way I have allowed others to tell me what I should think, what I should feel, who I should be.

Sure I can list endlessly the why's and what's but truthfully, they don't matter.  My childhood, my siblings, my parents, my husband, my children....of course they contribute, how could they not but down deep...it is me.  My choices, my eating, my lack of exercise...they are the reason I am where I am today.

I have long given my power over to others, but that is NOT their fault, it is mine, power can only be given, it can not be taken.  When I was little it was understandable that I did not have power over my situation but I am a grown woman...one that has been living on autopilot far too long.

How does one grab back the reins?  How do you begin to crawl back to a life that brought you to where you are?  Does one even desire to go back to something so painful that it was worth leaving by the wayside in the first place?

I really don't know.

One step, one bite, one word....

Someday I will be able to see the future but for today, I will take what I see and what I feel and I will see it, I will feel it.  I will NOT remain numb...

All grown up

Well today my youngest child turned 20.  It is official I no longer am a mother to a teenager. My oldest became a teenager in 1995 so I have mothered a teenager for the past sixteen years!!  What a rollercoaster this has been.

Yesterday my daughter and I had an entire day together and what a lovely day it was.  We started out at the gym doing water aerobics then off to lunch, haircuts and color, shopping, naps then Shrek the Musical.  We capped off the night at IHOP (it was a long play and most places were closed).

It was a simply lovely way to end her teenage years and I was honored that she spent this day with me.  Today she will be busy with her friends and I enjoy watching her enjoy her life so much.

The next day

An old friend invited me to be her facebook friend and we struck up a quick conversation via facebook.  She asked me if I ever miss the old "soccer mom" days.  Yes, was my quick reply but with it came a whirl of whys and memories.

The dreaded 8 AM game that entailed getting up on a Saturday morning at least by 5 to pack the car, dress all the kiddos and be sure we had snacks and the other barrage of items necessary for the day ahead.  All six of us pile into the minivan along with way too much gear.  Since my hubby helped to coach we had to be there at least an hour early and most often there would be a total of four games between the two boys.  Cold toes, crying children, grumpy husband, lost socks, smelly gear...why wouldn't I miss it?

Somewhere between falling in love, cradling a newborn and packing for college, we seem to lose who we are.  Who we are isn't priority when someone has a fever, lost their homework, or has a project due in the morning.  What we want isn't uppermost when the children outgrow shoes at the speed of lighting or braces and glasses are overdue. Sleep and self nurturing aren't the soup du jour when you are a stay-at-home mom.

Looking back now...how I wish it were different.  How I wish I would have allowed myself to be a priority, to give to my children the "permission" to be important.  I learned from watching that motherhood meant selflessness.  How very wrong those lessons were. If we never fill ourselves we end up with nothing to give. It might not show for years to come but it will.  I long to be able to go back and give myself time alone,  to teach my children that I was important and in so doing to give them the invaluable lesson that we CAN love ourselves.  Instead I am left trying to find a way to do it now.

When I look back I loved it all...even the 8 AM games.  The confusion, the energy, the family connection.

What have I learned?...that is a question for another day. ~Laurie

New Day

Well, so today starts a new day and with it a blog.  Haven't tried this before, have no idea where, if anywhere it goes OR if anyone besides myself will read it...

None the less, I will go on.  Never did I believe that I would be where I am...a lonely middle age woman lost amongst time and life.  Having always been so very full of life this was not what I envisioned for myself.  As a mother, there was no time for questions, having four very active children time for me wasn't really a luxury I could afford. Questioning about who I was or what I stood for, just didn't happen, now  I have time...lots and lots of time.

I have not been a good steward of this time and now find that it is time to start to do something about it. So here I am unapologetically starting to find myself...welcome. ~Laurie