Well, with my daughter's birthday over I took the time to download my pictures which I haven't downloaded in about a month...WOW can't believe how I look.
I have never been a vain person, looks just haven't mattered but this was pretty rough. The last few years have been filled with medical issues and I have used that to shield myself from any sort of self responsibility, while there have been legitimate medical issues that have contributed to my current condition, the truth is I just don't care. I haven't cared in so long that I forgot HOW to care.
I have long used the excuse that my husband doesn't care so why should I bother....it is time to stop. This is my journey and somewhere along the way I have allowed others to tell me what I should think, what I should feel, who I should be.
Sure I can list endlessly the why's and what's but truthfully, they don't matter. My childhood, my siblings, my parents, my husband, my children....of course they contribute, how could they not but down deep...it is me. My choices, my eating, my lack of exercise...they are the reason I am where I am today.
I have long given my power over to others, but that is NOT their fault, it is mine, power can only be given, it can not be taken. When I was little it was understandable that I did not have power over my situation but I am a grown woman...one that has been living on autopilot far too long.
How does one grab back the reins? How do you begin to crawl back to a life that brought you to where you are? Does one even desire to go back to something so painful that it was worth leaving by the wayside in the first place?
I really don't know.
One step, one bite, one word....
Someday I will be able to see the future but for today, I will take what I see and what I feel and I will see it, I will feel it. I will NOT remain numb...
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