It's Friday...again. Just another week, nothing good, nothing bad...quite a bit of nothingness, sort of like my life the past few years. One day stumbles into the next.
If I break it down then perhaps I could say that this week was better than a month ago. I went to the gym 5 times this week. Water aerobics 4 times and cardio one. I missed one day because I never went to bed the night before.
Insomnia, my most steadfast companion, had other plans for me. Perhaps it was four different times that sleep was attempted but mostly clock watching was the activity of the night. I am mostly glad that I don't own a gun because there are nights...I'm just sayin' I know a sure fire way to clear my sinuses.
Okay, the highlights of my week...more exercise. I would like to say less eating but who am I kidding? Cleaned house, did laundry, ironing, took care of FIVE dogs, wait a minute, surely I have not just listed all these activities under my HIGHLIGHTS of the week, how sad that ironing would make my list of highlights. I REALLY do need a life. Well, I did start my book again. Since the great computer crash of November 2009, that ended up netting me a wonderful new surprise Christmas gift of a new computer, caused me to lose the entire book. I am now forced to retype the entire book. I made it to page seven.
Typing out the book is actually pretty good for me. I don't like to relive my story but it is good for me. Gratitude abounds for the decision to write this down while it was still fresh in my mind. I hope it is published one day. If my story can help just one person it would have all been worth it.
I think the most complex part of being raised by an abuser is that one never really knows what exactly they feel. Your family is still your family no matter how they treat you. Hate is strong but love is stronger. Anger hurts...everyone. It just doesn't have a place in my life. I choose to be happy. I choose to seek peace. I have peeled away those that would seek to hurt and destroy who I am. To those that seek to surround themselves with negativity, I say simply...I have no room for this energy in my life.
The old me said that I should be steadfast and unwavering in my relationships, I was taught that we do what is right because it is right. I no longer hold that to be true. Certainly all relationships ebb and flow but when you find yourself losing who you are it is best to step back and question. Being born into a family should be a blessing not a life sentence. We must all choose our paths and family has strong and everlasting ties that should be honored and esteemed but never at the cost of self.
This week I did find a bit of myself. I am preparing my office so that I can have a quiet place to work, I set up a budget to get a better handle on finances, I worked out at the gym and spent far less time in front of the TV, I cleaned out a section of my closet. One day, one task, one step...forward. I am not looking back.
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