As a child we form our beliefs, they are formed so deep in our sub-conscience that we often don't even know or question them, for me this journey of self discovery, without my former best friend mindless eating, has been all about finding my beliefs then questioning them. I hold fast to those beliefs that prove themselves to be worthy of keeping and challenge those that would serve to hurt my journey. The only trouble with challenging is that is isn't like finding a pebble, that you can pick up and view from every angle and then easily discard, it is much more like an iceberg, you may discover it but the complexities sometimes lay too deep to fully explore.
In my lifetime, happiness was a very illusive thing, any hope of being happy was quickly dashed by tragedy or pain. The past few weeks have brought me...happiness, true happiness, nothing has happened, no event that would bring most to the place of happiness, but rather there has been a feeling from within of contentment, I have let go of the "what if's" that have previously kept happiness at bay. In no way am I saying that throughout my 51 years I have not ever been happy, but rather that fleeting happiness I have felt has been overshadowed by fear.
Earlier this week, after a dreaded but successful clothes shopping trip, I came home, put down my bags, spoke to my dogs and felt it....happiness...only happiness. I actually stopped what I was doing, took a deep breath and waited...isn't that about as silly as things can be I literally waited for the next few moments, I was as surprised by my feelings as one would be when you walk into a room flip on the light and no light comes on. We all know the first thing we do is to flip it again!
I stood in my living room and realized that I was indeed having one emotion...simply happiness. I started to laugh, I am sure my dogs were confused and thankfully no one else was around to see this awkward moment when I realized that a good emotion can exist singularly. Often that day I stopped to question the validity of my happiness and each time I was left with the same previously unknown feeling, that indeed one can be happy for the sake of happiness alone.
Since that Monday a mere four days ago, I have experienced the wonderful feeling of singular happiness many times. It has not been followed by fear, unworthiness or a dramatic human event. Of course, I have dissected it, examined it and questioned it but mostly I have enjoyed it. Could it change tomorrow?, absolutely! Does that diminish my current joy of experiencing joy...not this time.
Not this time...
Not this time!
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