Visiting the Valley of life.

As I reread my last entry, I am struck that many may feel it was negative, and we are pushed by society to be positive.  I for one do not believe that we should always be positive, which might surprise many of you that know me personally and find me to be an overwhelmingly positive person.  By in large, I do seek to find the silver lining but learned years ago that to ignore those dark days is to go against who we sometimes are.

We should always question life, question choices, question the status quo. If we don't spend time in the valley we can't truly appreciate the mountain top.  Lately I feel such conflicting emotions stirring within me and find them battling leaving me but a voyeur.  Excitement for my new life and yearning for my old ways are in direct conflict right now.  I am happy beyond explanation yet, fearful beyond description.  Why, if my old choices were what made me so miserable, do I still desire to hold onto reckless emotional eating?

Have I veered so far from rational that I would so strongly cling to this sinking ship, that was my life? Do we ever really abandon who we used to be to adhere fully to our new beings?  Is anyone capable of rewriting the entirety of who they are?  Or do we instead, just chisel a little here and there on our outward persona, giving to others the illusion of change, all the while keeping our true selves hidden?

Once many years ago, during a short period of profound depression,  my husband told me to quit being sad.  Confused I pressed for understanding for this quite previously unheard of concept of "stopping" how I feel.  He said to pretend to be happy until I was happy or least let others see me as so.  This was beyond my scope of understanding for, while I had no trouble "faking" my emotional state for the general population, being someone or something that I wasn't never occurred to me within the confines of those with whom I gave and received love and comfort.  He again, reiterated that he didn't want or like to see me sad and that he would prefer that I "be" happy around him.  In that moment I felt something I never thought I would feel, not from him, I felt that he too like so many before him, did not accept me as I was.  I am sure this was fleeting moment for him, one which most likely has no recollection, but for me it is emblazoned in my memory banks.  No longer could I naively cleave to him with the full knowledge that he accepted me fully as I was, he became part of the masses that day, I wonder sometimes if that level of naivety and trust will ever be a part of my life again.