Head Games

No matter how long I live I will never fully understand the head games we play with ourselves.  I certainly understand the complicated relationships that contribute to "who we are" and "where we come from" but no matter how many times we "deal" with our past, it continues to rare it's judgemental head often when we least expect it.

So far in my weight loss journey I have lost 47 lbs.  Not bad since I just started this latest journey the end of May, a mere 2 1/2 months ago.  YET, until last week I never saw any change in the person in the mirror.  Others have been commenting and complimenting but honestly it never has been about what others think but rather what do YOU see when you look in the mirror.  So far I have had three long stalls one for three weeks.  Currently I am in a seven day stall but worse yet, I had a five pound gain in there as well.  I was put on steroids so this was more than expected yet, my mind has begun it's usual downward spiral of death.

One of the greatest blessing of having had weight loss surgery is that now I get to have a new ending to this death spiral.  While my head is today throwing in the towel, my much tinier tummy now gets a much bigger vote.  Failure just isn't an option any more.  What will I replace this loss of control with?...many who have traveled this road before me choose other equally destructive choices since overeating was removed from the equation.  Some choose alcohol others obsessive shopping, gambling or promiscuity. My choice...type...type my feelings, type my anger, type my frustration.

I feel an overwhelming need to put words to feelings, as though the very act of attaching words gives authenticity to my feelings.  No longer do I wish to remain quietly on the sidelines, keeping to myself thoughts, opinions and feelings.  So many of us were raised to believe that we live with the hand we are dealt, we play our cards and quietly rake in whatever winnings we receive.  I have made a different choice, I am throwing back my hand of cards, not to exchange for a new hand but rather I am pushing myself away from the table, choosing a new game, one in which I no longer feel dependent on the whim of another person to deal out my life.

Head games are habits that can, with time, be broken, we need to reprogram the tape recorder in our heads, take away those recording that we play just loud enough to allow our sub-conscience to hear but never loud enough to acknowledge fully.  These whispered messages are the ones self image hears so loudly, starting today I will allow myself to confront those messages, replacing them with positive messages that are more in line with what I want my world to sound like.

Today I pulled out shirts that no longer fit, purged a bit of yesterday from my life.  I took a few extra minutes after drying my hair to look at me...really look at me.  I liked what I saw, a beautiful, middle aged woman with full curves and an open heart, ready to listen to a new message, able to see, hear, feel and hope.