On February 5, 1982 I became a mom. It was without a doubt the most overwhelmingly intense rush of emotions I have ever experienced in my life. The feeling of holding this new little complete person in my arms can't be explained with mere words, it can only be experienced. He was quickly whisked away to be bathed, weighed, measured, poked and prodded and a fresh clean little guy was quickly delivered back into my waiting arms.
It wasn't until a few hours later, exhausted from the day, and after calling the nursery for them to come and get him, whereupon they explained that newborns now sleep in the mother's room that the full impact hit me...this is it...I am now and forever more will be a mother. As proud and elated as I was the room still seemed to be lacking in oxygen or at least I was unable to inhale sufficiently to ward off the now inundating fear that would accompany such a revelation. At that very moment, my son began to cry, and I was helpless to provide his needs.
Somehow we just figure it out, a diaper, a bottle, a blanket and far too soon, a boo boo, a heartbreak, a choice of colleges, and much more in-between.
Yesterday my last baby, left for college. My nest is empty, my mind is full of memories, the house feels a little less like a home. She has flown off to find her place in the world and I am left to find what is left of me. Twenty nine years, six months, eight days of parenthood will most certainly leave one unsure of who they are as an individual.
My identity has for so long been that of a mother, finding something past that just might prove to be an exciting journey. I am up for the challenge, seeing the road before me much as I did as a teenager, exciting, unknown but now better equipped for the journey with more life experiences under my belt. After all life is nothing but a series of 'figuring it out as you go'. So bring out the pencil and paper, ummm keyboard and screen, this next chapter just might be a blockbuster yet.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Head Games
No matter how long I live I will never fully understand the head games we play with ourselves. I certainly understand the complicated relationships that contribute to "who we are" and "where we come from" but no matter how many times we "deal" with our past, it continues to rare it's judgemental head often when we least expect it.
So far in my weight loss journey I have lost 47 lbs. Not bad since I just started this latest journey the end of May, a mere 2 1/2 months ago. YET, until last week I never saw any change in the person in the mirror. Others have been commenting and complimenting but honestly it never has been about what others think but rather what do YOU see when you look in the mirror. So far I have had three long stalls one for three weeks. Currently I am in a seven day stall but worse yet, I had a five pound gain in there as well. I was put on steroids so this was more than expected yet, my mind has begun it's usual downward spiral of death.
One of the greatest blessing of having had weight loss surgery is that now I get to have a new ending to this death spiral. While my head is today throwing in the towel, my much tinier tummy now gets a much bigger vote. Failure just isn't an option any more. What will I replace this loss of control with?...many who have traveled this road before me choose other equally destructive choices since overeating was removed from the equation. Some choose alcohol others obsessive shopping, gambling or promiscuity. My choice...type...type my feelings, type my anger, type my frustration.
I feel an overwhelming need to put words to feelings, as though the very act of attaching words gives authenticity to my feelings. No longer do I wish to remain quietly on the sidelines, keeping to myself thoughts, opinions and feelings. So many of us were raised to believe that we live with the hand we are dealt, we play our cards and quietly rake in whatever winnings we receive. I have made a different choice, I am throwing back my hand of cards, not to exchange for a new hand but rather I am pushing myself away from the table, choosing a new game, one in which I no longer feel dependent on the whim of another person to deal out my life.
Head games are habits that can, with time, be broken, we need to reprogram the tape recorder in our heads, take away those recording that we play just loud enough to allow our sub-conscience to hear but never loud enough to acknowledge fully. These whispered messages are the ones self image hears so loudly, starting today I will allow myself to confront those messages, replacing them with positive messages that are more in line with what I want my world to sound like.
Today I pulled out shirts that no longer fit, purged a bit of yesterday from my life. I took a few extra minutes after drying my hair to look at me...really look at me. I liked what I saw, a beautiful, middle aged woman with full curves and an open heart, ready to listen to a new message, able to see, hear, feel and hope.
So far in my weight loss journey I have lost 47 lbs. Not bad since I just started this latest journey the end of May, a mere 2 1/2 months ago. YET, until last week I never saw any change in the person in the mirror. Others have been commenting and complimenting but honestly it never has been about what others think but rather what do YOU see when you look in the mirror. So far I have had three long stalls one for three weeks. Currently I am in a seven day stall but worse yet, I had a five pound gain in there as well. I was put on steroids so this was more than expected yet, my mind has begun it's usual downward spiral of death.
One of the greatest blessing of having had weight loss surgery is that now I get to have a new ending to this death spiral. While my head is today throwing in the towel, my much tinier tummy now gets a much bigger vote. Failure just isn't an option any more. What will I replace this loss of control with?...many who have traveled this road before me choose other equally destructive choices since overeating was removed from the equation. Some choose alcohol others obsessive shopping, gambling or promiscuity. My choice...type...type my feelings, type my anger, type my frustration.
I feel an overwhelming need to put words to feelings, as though the very act of attaching words gives authenticity to my feelings. No longer do I wish to remain quietly on the sidelines, keeping to myself thoughts, opinions and feelings. So many of us were raised to believe that we live with the hand we are dealt, we play our cards and quietly rake in whatever winnings we receive. I have made a different choice, I am throwing back my hand of cards, not to exchange for a new hand but rather I am pushing myself away from the table, choosing a new game, one in which I no longer feel dependent on the whim of another person to deal out my life.
Head games are habits that can, with time, be broken, we need to reprogram the tape recorder in our heads, take away those recording that we play just loud enough to allow our sub-conscience to hear but never loud enough to acknowledge fully. These whispered messages are the ones self image hears so loudly, starting today I will allow myself to confront those messages, replacing them with positive messages that are more in line with what I want my world to sound like.
Today I pulled out shirts that no longer fit, purged a bit of yesterday from my life. I took a few extra minutes after drying my hair to look at me...really look at me. I liked what I saw, a beautiful, middle aged woman with full curves and an open heart, ready to listen to a new message, able to see, hear, feel and hope.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Road Trip = Mind Trip
Tomorrow one of my California nieces will promise to love and cherish her darling soul mate in front of family and friends. I am blessed to be going to see the wedding but a bit nervous for the trip itself. My hubby's family is, large, Italian, loud and lovely. How my newly formed tummy will adjust to the confusion, hustle and bustle will be interesting, I am sure. This will be my third trip since my surgery but the first one that includes family in the mix. I traveled home from Mexico four days after surgery, and at the four week mark I took a day trip to California to pick up my lovely new puppy, Annie. That was 13 hours to accomplish and mostly went well.
We will head out at 4 AM which for those of you that know me and my abiding friend, Insomnia, know that this is an unreasonable hour to be sure. My DH gets up every day at 3 so for him this will be just another day. I usually manage to fall asleep by 1 or 2 AM so good luck to him, dealing with my less than pleasant mood.
This trip will be my first foray into, "you lost weight" or "something is different" or maybe no one will notice at all. I did not do the surgery for outside comments, opinions or observations but certainly they do weigh heavy on one's mind. Many people that know me might misinterpret my outgoing nature as one of confidence but they would be mistaken. I have always wanted, yearned to be the wall flower. Blending in has been my steadfast wish from as long as I can remember.
Being a nobody was a matter of survival from a very young age, walking the tightrope of never being naughty enough to be noticed to never too outstanding enough to bring attention. It is a chore that I continue to foster to this day...not a day goes by that I don't allow myself to shrink. As a child this skill was perfected and made easier by having a brother that always got in trouble and siblings that were smarter, prettier, more talented and clever than I. Blending is easier when you have built in camouflage like that.
Now I find that the cloak of fat that I wore needs to be revisited, it will disappear and what will take it's place, how will I find my way without this companion of mine? How will I answer the questions that certainly will come this weekend? Will my facade of confidence serve me? Will others see the real me, will they see the scared, shaking, shivering child the abides just under the surface? Would they like the me that I am when no one is looking? Will my wall crumble this weekend, next, or will it fall at all?
Got to finish packing...
We will head out at 4 AM which for those of you that know me and my abiding friend, Insomnia, know that this is an unreasonable hour to be sure. My DH gets up every day at 3 so for him this will be just another day. I usually manage to fall asleep by 1 or 2 AM so good luck to him, dealing with my less than pleasant mood.
This trip will be my first foray into, "you lost weight" or "something is different" or maybe no one will notice at all. I did not do the surgery for outside comments, opinions or observations but certainly they do weigh heavy on one's mind. Many people that know me might misinterpret my outgoing nature as one of confidence but they would be mistaken. I have always wanted, yearned to be the wall flower. Blending in has been my steadfast wish from as long as I can remember.
Being a nobody was a matter of survival from a very young age, walking the tightrope of never being naughty enough to be noticed to never too outstanding enough to bring attention. It is a chore that I continue to foster to this day...not a day goes by that I don't allow myself to shrink. As a child this skill was perfected and made easier by having a brother that always got in trouble and siblings that were smarter, prettier, more talented and clever than I. Blending is easier when you have built in camouflage like that.
Now I find that the cloak of fat that I wore needs to be revisited, it will disappear and what will take it's place, how will I find my way without this companion of mine? How will I answer the questions that certainly will come this weekend? Will my facade of confidence serve me? Will others see the real me, will they see the scared, shaking, shivering child the abides just under the surface? Would they like the me that I am when no one is looking? Will my wall crumble this weekend, next, or will it fall at all?
Got to finish packing...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
My new tummy = my new life
Well the past day and a half have been...well, interesting. Since surgery there have been many times when my mind has been hungry, not so much my body but in the past it has always been my mind that speaks the loudest, complains the most, and ultimately gets its way.
For those of you that don't know, I live in the Valley of the Sun, aka Phoenix, AZ, aka the face of the sun!! For the most part we love living in Phoenix, we love the unique beauty that is the Sonoran Desert. BUT we also love air conditioning...a LOT. Yesterday it decided not to work, that proved to be a bit of an issue as the temps yesterday were at 106. Fortunately we found a kind, wonderful, compassionate man that came out and checked things out and this morning he returned with parts to get us up and running again.
The inside temps were never over 85 which was tolerable unless you did anything, like well, breathing or stuff like that! As soon as the repairman left I headed off, with my daughter to run our errands, I do believe that the traffic light gods were conspiring against me as I hit EVERY light for the first 13 miles of my trip, there were at least 25 lights, where the engine was idling and the sun was burning. The car a/c just could not keep up, then in keeping with my day, I got lost.
So I am sitting in my hot car, irritated, under severe time constraints (had to pick someone up from the airport), itching beyond explanation (still have my post op rash a reaction to the tape used to close my incision), thirsty and lost, when my low gas light comes on...really?! Well there is one thing you NEVER want to do while in Phoenix in the summer...that is to run out of gas. So off we go in search of a station, accidentally run across the very place we were searching for in the first place, and eventually get to a station for some much needed fuel.
I get out and pump gas while my daughter goes in the convenience store searching for anything that can safely go into our newly shaped tummies. She comes back unsuccessful but at least cooler than she was and we head off to finish errands. We rode about 40 feet and the light turns yellow. I look to her and we both start to laugh, this can't be real today.
We get a bit more serious and I told her that THIS is why I wanted this surgery, if ever there was a day that I would "cheat" on a diet it would have been today. I was upset, unsettled, lost, hot, itching, irritated, and HUNGRY...the perfect storm of dieting doom. Today my tummy talked, and I listened, perhaps I did not want to listen, but it was louder than before or maybe I have changed my hearing, the only difference is that it spoke a different language, one that until now has been foreign to me. It spoke and said, perhaps in the tiniest whisper, "I am fine, I don't need anything right now."
Words can't express how grateful that I am for the opportunity to get a grip on my eating, certainly there is always the wish that this could be accomplished with exercise and diet, that was not to be. This path was right for me...today I was grateful for a bad day, a really bad day...it reminded me why this is the journey I chose.
For those of you that don't know, I live in the Valley of the Sun, aka Phoenix, AZ, aka the face of the sun!! For the most part we love living in Phoenix, we love the unique beauty that is the Sonoran Desert. BUT we also love air conditioning...a LOT. Yesterday it decided not to work, that proved to be a bit of an issue as the temps yesterday were at 106. Fortunately we found a kind, wonderful, compassionate man that came out and checked things out and this morning he returned with parts to get us up and running again.
The inside temps were never over 85 which was tolerable unless you did anything, like well, breathing or stuff like that! As soon as the repairman left I headed off, with my daughter to run our errands, I do believe that the traffic light gods were conspiring against me as I hit EVERY light for the first 13 miles of my trip, there were at least 25 lights, where the engine was idling and the sun was burning. The car a/c just could not keep up, then in keeping with my day, I got lost.
So I am sitting in my hot car, irritated, under severe time constraints (had to pick someone up from the airport), itching beyond explanation (still have my post op rash a reaction to the tape used to close my incision), thirsty and lost, when my low gas light comes on...really?! Well there is one thing you NEVER want to do while in Phoenix in the summer...that is to run out of gas. So off we go in search of a station, accidentally run across the very place we were searching for in the first place, and eventually get to a station for some much needed fuel.
I get out and pump gas while my daughter goes in the convenience store searching for anything that can safely go into our newly shaped tummies. She comes back unsuccessful but at least cooler than she was and we head off to finish errands. We rode about 40 feet and the light turns yellow. I look to her and we both start to laugh, this can't be real today.
We get a bit more serious and I told her that THIS is why I wanted this surgery, if ever there was a day that I would "cheat" on a diet it would have been today. I was upset, unsettled, lost, hot, itching, irritated, and HUNGRY...the perfect storm of dieting doom. Today my tummy talked, and I listened, perhaps I did not want to listen, but it was louder than before or maybe I have changed my hearing, the only difference is that it spoke a different language, one that until now has been foreign to me. It spoke and said, perhaps in the tiniest whisper, "I am fine, I don't need anything right now."
Words can't express how grateful that I am for the opportunity to get a grip on my eating, certainly there is always the wish that this could be accomplished with exercise and diet, that was not to be. This path was right for me...today I was grateful for a bad day, a really bad day...it reminded me why this is the journey I chose.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Manna from Heaven
I just brewed a cup of my favorite coffee, poured it over a plethora of crushed ice with a splash of sugar free vanilla creamer...my first cup post-op...this is truly manna from heaven for me right now. I took a sip while carrying it into the office to let it rest, I love it just as the ice begins to melt, it was so perfect in a sinfully delicious way.
Here is to hoping that I begin to enjoy those little things in life that make the big things so much more tolerable.
My mantra for today...slow down, relax, take in the moment, and most importantly RECOGNIZE the moment. Oh course, if I could get rid of this incessant, flesh burning, blistering, itching rash next to my incisions it would sure make my day better...hope my doctor isn't upset over my decision to travel out of the country for weight loss surgery, I will find out in a few hours. Fingers crossed.
Here is to hoping that I begin to enjoy those little things in life that make the big things so much more tolerable.
My mantra for today...slow down, relax, take in the moment, and most importantly RECOGNIZE the moment. Oh course, if I could get rid of this incessant, flesh burning, blistering, itching rash next to my incisions it would sure make my day better...hope my doctor isn't upset over my decision to travel out of the country for weight loss surgery, I will find out in a few hours. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Journey is complete
Well, my daughter and I are successfully home from our trip to Mexico. We went for one surgery and ended up with another one and are both happy with the change. We ended up getting gastric sleeve surgery done, they take about 75% of your stomach out leaving a 'sleeve' for a stomach. We are surprised by how well we did and are excited about the new life that spreads before us.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Preparing the Way
My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
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