I was hired this week to help coordinate a large Expo. How exciting to begin something new! Worry over starting up my old brain was not justified as it seems to be working well, and feels good to be putting some very underutilized skills back to work. Can't begin to say how many hours I have logged in the past few days and the smile on my face as I crank out the workload is such a pleasant change from my previous day to day.
Then fast forward to tonight...I open my facebook page only to be greeted by the offer to confirm my employment by my employer...never had this happen before and seriously I felt as giddy as a teenager. Silly how something like becoming an employee again can make someone feel. It was like I was being recognized again after feeling like a "nobody" for so long. It is NOT that I feel that stay at home Mom's aren't important because I vehemently disagree with that but in my case...my "stay at home mom" status was long ago used up. Seriously my "baby" turned 21 this year!!
So my journey takes yet another twist and I could not be happier for it. This week also I broke a VERY long plateau in my weight loss journey so that too feels amazing. So nice to feel excited for a new day, excited for the future and excited to be alive.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Day to day doldrums
I have come here to post a few times over the past week and left with nothing to say. Those of you that know me, know that I seldom at loss for words. Guess there just hasn't been anything, "news worthy" lately. I could tell you all about how my puppy got spayed last week...poor baby, or how my daughter is enjoying college life, my sons caught an alligator (shudder to think!) or how my hubby has been busy working longer than normal hours on night shift. But these things all put together just reflect another day, another week, another month, none so very different from the ones before. The things in life that as we go through them seem big but then fade into the background that is life itself.
We are seldom defined by the big things it is the humdrum of life that better defines who we are. My daughter and I were speaking last weekend when she came to visit how dramatically my life has changed. When the children were little, it changed in an instant, someone tripped and broke a bone, a school project long forgotten was due in the morning, a heart was broken, feelings hurt...all things that needed an instant response by mom and I was always at the wheel to steer them to calmer waters.
Now my life is defined in a slower more deliberate way. Still there are those moments that require instant response but they are further and farther between. Where then does a mother go when she is no longer defined as a mother? Shifting gears is a slow and confusing process. In it's wake I will take more time to see the world around me. Volunteer more, reflect more, nurture myself more.
We are seldom defined by the big things it is the humdrum of life that better defines who we are. My daughter and I were speaking last weekend when she came to visit how dramatically my life has changed. When the children were little, it changed in an instant, someone tripped and broke a bone, a school project long forgotten was due in the morning, a heart was broken, feelings hurt...all things that needed an instant response by mom and I was always at the wheel to steer them to calmer waters.
Now my life is defined in a slower more deliberate way. Still there are those moments that require instant response but they are further and farther between. Where then does a mother go when she is no longer defined as a mother? Shifting gears is a slow and confusing process. In it's wake I will take more time to see the world around me. Volunteer more, reflect more, nurture myself more.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Fall
Well for most of the country Fall has fallen upon us. I live in Arizona so for us it is but a day on the calendar. Our temps have fallen though they threaten to be back in triple digits by tomorrow...mid October! For the entire summer I have given myself the excuse that I can't exercise due to extreme heat...what then is my excuse now?
The morning and evening temps have gone down to a quite comfortable walking level, why then can I not find myself outside taking advantage? I have gone for some short walks with my dogs but honestly these walks are too little and too infrequent. I have been using my Wii and enjoying the exercise and dancing games, but that too is infrequent and fleeting.
This week I have honestly NOT been living by the code of my surgery. It is as if I am determined to fail, why do I do this to myself? How do I climb out of this hole that I have created? How do I find a way to WANT to climb out? My life pattern has remained the same...I do well, I stop doing well.
Why do we fall down? What keeps us down and how do we find something worth getting up for? I am a blessed person, my husband has a good job and we have enough. Often we don't get everything we want but always there is enough for what we need. I am a simple person, surrounding myself with a few niceties but for the most part happy with what I have. I feel complete...yet hopelessly incomplete.
I have fallen...how, when and why will I get up?
The morning and evening temps have gone down to a quite comfortable walking level, why then can I not find myself outside taking advantage? I have gone for some short walks with my dogs but honestly these walks are too little and too infrequent. I have been using my Wii and enjoying the exercise and dancing games, but that too is infrequent and fleeting.
This week I have honestly NOT been living by the code of my surgery. It is as if I am determined to fail, why do I do this to myself? How do I climb out of this hole that I have created? How do I find a way to WANT to climb out? My life pattern has remained the same...I do well, I stop doing well.
Why do we fall down? What keeps us down and how do we find something worth getting up for? I am a blessed person, my husband has a good job and we have enough. Often we don't get everything we want but always there is enough for what we need. I am a simple person, surrounding myself with a few niceties but for the most part happy with what I have. I feel complete...yet hopelessly incomplete.
I have fallen...how, when and why will I get up?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Alone Again...Naturally
Not so very long ago I dreaded being alone, that is where I did most of my eating. My children have now all flown away and my husband is married to his job. I spent many a day, week, month or year pretty much alone anyway, even surrounded by my family I kept alone, well within the confines of those walls that I so meticulously built. Growing up in constant abuse teaches one to keep quiet and do your best to blend. It was my desire always to be a wallflower, never dreaming of grand plans, never desiring the best of life, just learning to hope for enough.
I am blessed to have found a husband that truly does accept me for who I am, not asking more of me than I can give. He has certainly lived through some pretty bleak times with me and never wavered in his commitment to me or our marriage. He too has walls, tall ones with some pretty sturdy material that even after 25 years of marriage I have not managed to weaken. Seeing him through the years never feel good enough has caused me a great deal of pain but strangely enough it has of late taught me not to do the same. His constant feelings of inferiority have been overshadowed only by my own. As this surgery has given me fresh perspective and renewed hope I now see that these feelings are overdue to be challenged.
Now seeing my father as a lost and scared individual causes me to revisit my abuse and recognize it in a different light. There isn't an excuse for abusing a helpless child, there never will be, but now as an adult it is easier to view the experience as being perpetrated by a sick individual whose own personal needs were never addressed and met. Gone is the hate that once firmly gripped me, gone is the terrified girl that so often hid in a closet praying to escape that days beating.
We come here alone, we leave here alone, we gather experiences, hopes, enlightenment and if we are lucky we gather peace. So at this junction I can say proudly that being alone is no longer scary, it is no longer something to fear. Alone is where I now recharge, it is where I listen, it is where nature whispers to me, it is where I have begun to disassemble all the walls that have for so many years protected yet prevented me from living. As my years of fat begin to melt something new and exciting is emerging, I can't wait to get to know that lady in the mirror a little better...alone, naturally.
I am blessed to have found a husband that truly does accept me for who I am, not asking more of me than I can give. He has certainly lived through some pretty bleak times with me and never wavered in his commitment to me or our marriage. He too has walls, tall ones with some pretty sturdy material that even after 25 years of marriage I have not managed to weaken. Seeing him through the years never feel good enough has caused me a great deal of pain but strangely enough it has of late taught me not to do the same. His constant feelings of inferiority have been overshadowed only by my own. As this surgery has given me fresh perspective and renewed hope I now see that these feelings are overdue to be challenged.
Now seeing my father as a lost and scared individual causes me to revisit my abuse and recognize it in a different light. There isn't an excuse for abusing a helpless child, there never will be, but now as an adult it is easier to view the experience as being perpetrated by a sick individual whose own personal needs were never addressed and met. Gone is the hate that once firmly gripped me, gone is the terrified girl that so often hid in a closet praying to escape that days beating.
We come here alone, we leave here alone, we gather experiences, hopes, enlightenment and if we are lucky we gather peace. So at this junction I can say proudly that being alone is no longer scary, it is no longer something to fear. Alone is where I now recharge, it is where I listen, it is where nature whispers to me, it is where I have begun to disassemble all the walls that have for so many years protected yet prevented me from living. As my years of fat begin to melt something new and exciting is emerging, I can't wait to get to know that lady in the mirror a little better...alone, naturally.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Surviving a Stall
Since my WLS I have spent a great deal of time researching, reading and learning. EVERY person that loses weight goes through the dreaded stall. I had my first post surgical stall at three weeks and it lasted for three weeks. I have found that this time frame seems to be a commonly heard complaint by many in the surgical weight loss community. Because of this knowledge the fear commonly associated seemed to be tolerable. Fast forward three months...the pasts three weeks have been quite trying because in addition to not losing I have also not seen any non-scale victories either. This has been a challenging few weeks.
I have convinced myself over and over these past three weeks that indeed this isn't going to work for me. Going so far as to make peace with my still overweight but greatly more comfortable girth. I had settled in on the mind set that I can walk more comfortably, wear more clothes, bend over without pain, do household chores with greater ease, basically the brainwashing from within was in full overdrive. BUT yesterday I dropped a pound...no excitement was to be as flukes happen all the time. THEN this morning I dropped yet another pound, the party was early (I was running an early morning errand for my sister) but the dancing in my bathroom was sudden and unexpected. Since I worked so hard to convince myself to be pleased where I was, the gratification I felt at those two consecutive pounds was more than expected.
So for those of you that are attempting to lose, surgically or otherwise, please believe us when we say that stalls are normal, they are part of the journey, we ALL experience them and you will overcome. You will forget this advice, you will believe it doesn't apply for you and you will want to throw in the towel. The good part of a surgical intervention...they attach the towel to you, no longer can you "choose" to throw it in. With surgery we are all in, everyday, in every situation. Overeating is no longer an option. Just be sure to take a minute to HALT what you are doing and ask yourself what emotion is causing you to want to overeat... are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Just take an extra minute to identify your feelings and stop eating through them.
I have convinced myself over and over these past three weeks that indeed this isn't going to work for me. Going so far as to make peace with my still overweight but greatly more comfortable girth. I had settled in on the mind set that I can walk more comfortably, wear more clothes, bend over without pain, do household chores with greater ease, basically the brainwashing from within was in full overdrive. BUT yesterday I dropped a pound...no excitement was to be as flukes happen all the time. THEN this morning I dropped yet another pound, the party was early (I was running an early morning errand for my sister) but the dancing in my bathroom was sudden and unexpected. Since I worked so hard to convince myself to be pleased where I was, the gratification I felt at those two consecutive pounds was more than expected.
So for those of you that are attempting to lose, surgically or otherwise, please believe us when we say that stalls are normal, they are part of the journey, we ALL experience them and you will overcome. You will forget this advice, you will believe it doesn't apply for you and you will want to throw in the towel. The good part of a surgical intervention...they attach the towel to you, no longer can you "choose" to throw it in. With surgery we are all in, everyday, in every situation. Overeating is no longer an option. Just be sure to take a minute to HALT what you are doing and ask yourself what emotion is causing you to want to overeat... are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Just take an extra minute to identify your feelings and stop eating through them.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Mirror mirror on the wall...
Change is ever-present. To stay the same is to regress, yet here I am. Fear grips me, but I don't know the core of my fear. Food has always allowed me to repress my feelings, my thoughts, my fears and here I am stripped of my best friend, my constant companion, I stand now naked from the world of feelings, thoughts and fears. Where do I turn, what do I do, who am I now?
I stand before the mirror that is my life right now and recognize nothing. Fear freezes me, suffocates me from within, unable to move, forward or backwards I am left with nothing, I hope nothing, I plan nothing, I do nothing. The calendar moves but forgets to take me with it, I see the clock clicking away, marching forward but I do not feel the passage of time.
Where to go? What to do? When to do it? Some days I just sit and feel the rise and fall of my chest, why have I come so far, just to exist? I have hidden so long under the cloak of fat that I have forgotten...
I stand before the mirror that is my life right now and recognize nothing. Fear freezes me, suffocates me from within, unable to move, forward or backwards I am left with nothing, I hope nothing, I plan nothing, I do nothing. The calendar moves but forgets to take me with it, I see the clock clicking away, marching forward but I do not feel the passage of time.
Where to go? What to do? When to do it? Some days I just sit and feel the rise and fall of my chest, why have I come so far, just to exist? I have hidden so long under the cloak of fat that I have forgotten...
Sunday, August 14, 2011
New Chapter
On February 5, 1982 I became a mom. It was without a doubt the most overwhelmingly intense rush of emotions I have ever experienced in my life. The feeling of holding this new little complete person in my arms can't be explained with mere words, it can only be experienced. He was quickly whisked away to be bathed, weighed, measured, poked and prodded and a fresh clean little guy was quickly delivered back into my waiting arms.
It wasn't until a few hours later, exhausted from the day, and after calling the nursery for them to come and get him, whereupon they explained that newborns now sleep in the mother's room that the full impact hit me...this is it...I am now and forever more will be a mother. As proud and elated as I was the room still seemed to be lacking in oxygen or at least I was unable to inhale sufficiently to ward off the now inundating fear that would accompany such a revelation. At that very moment, my son began to cry, and I was helpless to provide his needs.
Somehow we just figure it out, a diaper, a bottle, a blanket and far too soon, a boo boo, a heartbreak, a choice of colleges, and much more in-between.
Yesterday my last baby, left for college. My nest is empty, my mind is full of memories, the house feels a little less like a home. She has flown off to find her place in the world and I am left to find what is left of me. Twenty nine years, six months, eight days of parenthood will most certainly leave one unsure of who they are as an individual.
My identity has for so long been that of a mother, finding something past that just might prove to be an exciting journey. I am up for the challenge, seeing the road before me much as I did as a teenager, exciting, unknown but now better equipped for the journey with more life experiences under my belt. After all life is nothing but a series of 'figuring it out as you go'. So bring out the pencil and paper, ummm keyboard and screen, this next chapter just might be a blockbuster yet.
It wasn't until a few hours later, exhausted from the day, and after calling the nursery for them to come and get him, whereupon they explained that newborns now sleep in the mother's room that the full impact hit me...this is it...I am now and forever more will be a mother. As proud and elated as I was the room still seemed to be lacking in oxygen or at least I was unable to inhale sufficiently to ward off the now inundating fear that would accompany such a revelation. At that very moment, my son began to cry, and I was helpless to provide his needs.
Somehow we just figure it out, a diaper, a bottle, a blanket and far too soon, a boo boo, a heartbreak, a choice of colleges, and much more in-between.
Yesterday my last baby, left for college. My nest is empty, my mind is full of memories, the house feels a little less like a home. She has flown off to find her place in the world and I am left to find what is left of me. Twenty nine years, six months, eight days of parenthood will most certainly leave one unsure of who they are as an individual.
My identity has for so long been that of a mother, finding something past that just might prove to be an exciting journey. I am up for the challenge, seeing the road before me much as I did as a teenager, exciting, unknown but now better equipped for the journey with more life experiences under my belt. After all life is nothing but a series of 'figuring it out as you go'. So bring out the pencil and paper, ummm keyboard and screen, this next chapter just might be a blockbuster yet.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Road Trip = Mind Trip
Tomorrow one of my California nieces will promise to love and cherish her darling soul mate in front of family and friends. I am blessed to be going to see the wedding but a bit nervous for the trip itself. My hubby's family is, large, Italian, loud and lovely. How my newly formed tummy will adjust to the confusion, hustle and bustle will be interesting, I am sure. This will be my third trip since my surgery but the first one that includes family in the mix. I traveled home from Mexico four days after surgery, and at the four week mark I took a day trip to California to pick up my lovely new puppy, Annie. That was 13 hours to accomplish and mostly went well.
We will head out at 4 AM which for those of you that know me and my abiding friend, Insomnia, know that this is an unreasonable hour to be sure. My DH gets up every day at 3 so for him this will be just another day. I usually manage to fall asleep by 1 or 2 AM so good luck to him, dealing with my less than pleasant mood.
This trip will be my first foray into, "you lost weight" or "something is different" or maybe no one will notice at all. I did not do the surgery for outside comments, opinions or observations but certainly they do weigh heavy on one's mind. Many people that know me might misinterpret my outgoing nature as one of confidence but they would be mistaken. I have always wanted, yearned to be the wall flower. Blending in has been my steadfast wish from as long as I can remember.
Being a nobody was a matter of survival from a very young age, walking the tightrope of never being naughty enough to be noticed to never too outstanding enough to bring attention. It is a chore that I continue to foster to this day...not a day goes by that I don't allow myself to shrink. As a child this skill was perfected and made easier by having a brother that always got in trouble and siblings that were smarter, prettier, more talented and clever than I. Blending is easier when you have built in camouflage like that.
Now I find that the cloak of fat that I wore needs to be revisited, it will disappear and what will take it's place, how will I find my way without this companion of mine? How will I answer the questions that certainly will come this weekend? Will my facade of confidence serve me? Will others see the real me, will they see the scared, shaking, shivering child the abides just under the surface? Would they like the me that I am when no one is looking? Will my wall crumble this weekend, next, or will it fall at all?
Got to finish packing...
We will head out at 4 AM which for those of you that know me and my abiding friend, Insomnia, know that this is an unreasonable hour to be sure. My DH gets up every day at 3 so for him this will be just another day. I usually manage to fall asleep by 1 or 2 AM so good luck to him, dealing with my less than pleasant mood.
This trip will be my first foray into, "you lost weight" or "something is different" or maybe no one will notice at all. I did not do the surgery for outside comments, opinions or observations but certainly they do weigh heavy on one's mind. Many people that know me might misinterpret my outgoing nature as one of confidence but they would be mistaken. I have always wanted, yearned to be the wall flower. Blending in has been my steadfast wish from as long as I can remember.
Being a nobody was a matter of survival from a very young age, walking the tightrope of never being naughty enough to be noticed to never too outstanding enough to bring attention. It is a chore that I continue to foster to this day...not a day goes by that I don't allow myself to shrink. As a child this skill was perfected and made easier by having a brother that always got in trouble and siblings that were smarter, prettier, more talented and clever than I. Blending is easier when you have built in camouflage like that.
Now I find that the cloak of fat that I wore needs to be revisited, it will disappear and what will take it's place, how will I find my way without this companion of mine? How will I answer the questions that certainly will come this weekend? Will my facade of confidence serve me? Will others see the real me, will they see the scared, shaking, shivering child the abides just under the surface? Would they like the me that I am when no one is looking? Will my wall crumble this weekend, next, or will it fall at all?
Got to finish packing...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
My new tummy = my new life
Well the past day and a half have been...well, interesting. Since surgery there have been many times when my mind has been hungry, not so much my body but in the past it has always been my mind that speaks the loudest, complains the most, and ultimately gets its way.
For those of you that don't know, I live in the Valley of the Sun, aka Phoenix, AZ, aka the face of the sun!! For the most part we love living in Phoenix, we love the unique beauty that is the Sonoran Desert. BUT we also love air conditioning...a LOT. Yesterday it decided not to work, that proved to be a bit of an issue as the temps yesterday were at 106. Fortunately we found a kind, wonderful, compassionate man that came out and checked things out and this morning he returned with parts to get us up and running again.
The inside temps were never over 85 which was tolerable unless you did anything, like well, breathing or stuff like that! As soon as the repairman left I headed off, with my daughter to run our errands, I do believe that the traffic light gods were conspiring against me as I hit EVERY light for the first 13 miles of my trip, there were at least 25 lights, where the engine was idling and the sun was burning. The car a/c just could not keep up, then in keeping with my day, I got lost.
So I am sitting in my hot car, irritated, under severe time constraints (had to pick someone up from the airport), itching beyond explanation (still have my post op rash a reaction to the tape used to close my incision), thirsty and lost, when my low gas light comes on...really?! Well there is one thing you NEVER want to do while in Phoenix in the summer...that is to run out of gas. So off we go in search of a station, accidentally run across the very place we were searching for in the first place, and eventually get to a station for some much needed fuel.
I get out and pump gas while my daughter goes in the convenience store searching for anything that can safely go into our newly shaped tummies. She comes back unsuccessful but at least cooler than she was and we head off to finish errands. We rode about 40 feet and the light turns yellow. I look to her and we both start to laugh, this can't be real today.
We get a bit more serious and I told her that THIS is why I wanted this surgery, if ever there was a day that I would "cheat" on a diet it would have been today. I was upset, unsettled, lost, hot, itching, irritated, and HUNGRY...the perfect storm of dieting doom. Today my tummy talked, and I listened, perhaps I did not want to listen, but it was louder than before or maybe I have changed my hearing, the only difference is that it spoke a different language, one that until now has been foreign to me. It spoke and said, perhaps in the tiniest whisper, "I am fine, I don't need anything right now."
Words can't express how grateful that I am for the opportunity to get a grip on my eating, certainly there is always the wish that this could be accomplished with exercise and diet, that was not to be. This path was right for me...today I was grateful for a bad day, a really bad day...it reminded me why this is the journey I chose.
For those of you that don't know, I live in the Valley of the Sun, aka Phoenix, AZ, aka the face of the sun!! For the most part we love living in Phoenix, we love the unique beauty that is the Sonoran Desert. BUT we also love air conditioning...a LOT. Yesterday it decided not to work, that proved to be a bit of an issue as the temps yesterday were at 106. Fortunately we found a kind, wonderful, compassionate man that came out and checked things out and this morning he returned with parts to get us up and running again.
The inside temps were never over 85 which was tolerable unless you did anything, like well, breathing or stuff like that! As soon as the repairman left I headed off, with my daughter to run our errands, I do believe that the traffic light gods were conspiring against me as I hit EVERY light for the first 13 miles of my trip, there were at least 25 lights, where the engine was idling and the sun was burning. The car a/c just could not keep up, then in keeping with my day, I got lost.
So I am sitting in my hot car, irritated, under severe time constraints (had to pick someone up from the airport), itching beyond explanation (still have my post op rash a reaction to the tape used to close my incision), thirsty and lost, when my low gas light comes on...really?! Well there is one thing you NEVER want to do while in Phoenix in the summer...that is to run out of gas. So off we go in search of a station, accidentally run across the very place we were searching for in the first place, and eventually get to a station for some much needed fuel.
I get out and pump gas while my daughter goes in the convenience store searching for anything that can safely go into our newly shaped tummies. She comes back unsuccessful but at least cooler than she was and we head off to finish errands. We rode about 40 feet and the light turns yellow. I look to her and we both start to laugh, this can't be real today.
We get a bit more serious and I told her that THIS is why I wanted this surgery, if ever there was a day that I would "cheat" on a diet it would have been today. I was upset, unsettled, lost, hot, itching, irritated, and HUNGRY...the perfect storm of dieting doom. Today my tummy talked, and I listened, perhaps I did not want to listen, but it was louder than before or maybe I have changed my hearing, the only difference is that it spoke a different language, one that until now has been foreign to me. It spoke and said, perhaps in the tiniest whisper, "I am fine, I don't need anything right now."
Words can't express how grateful that I am for the opportunity to get a grip on my eating, certainly there is always the wish that this could be accomplished with exercise and diet, that was not to be. This path was right for me...today I was grateful for a bad day, a really bad day...it reminded me why this is the journey I chose.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Journey is complete
Well, my daughter and I are successfully home from our trip to Mexico. We went for one surgery and ended up with another one and are both happy with the change. We ended up getting gastric sleeve surgery done, they take about 75% of your stomach out leaving a 'sleeve' for a stomach. We are surprised by how well we did and are excited about the new life that spreads before us.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Preparing the Way
My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Road Not Taken
And thus the journey begins...or at least it changes. Went to yet another doctor about two months ago. Tired, aching, just no jest for life...then make a change he says. Well, this time was different. This time I listened. Some bloodwork, some meds, some adjustment but the biggest change..I heard him. Yes there are physiological reasons for my issues but the biggest hurdle is the one that drives us all, the fuel that weaves and makes us, creates us in our entirety...the brain, not the one that can be seen on medical scan but the one that makes us the individuals that we are.
I gave him excuses, reasons if you will, for each hurdle..."then change that" was his simple and steadfast answer to each new blockade I offered to him. He was as insufferable as the counselor I saw prior to my choice to quit my job years ago and get a divorce. She, like my current doctor, was unwavering in her belief that no one is forced into a life they do not choose, she too, quickly shot down every excuse I could come up with to keep my life on course. Health insurance, job security, two incomes, my house, parents should raise a child together, she was prepared for every argument I threw her way, and he too echoed those lessons I had finally accepted so many years before. The lessons that brought to me more security by letting go, more money by giving up my job and quality time to parent my children by removing the cloud of unhappiness that enveloped my very being.
Today my path did not fork, there was no great divide for which I was forced to make a decision, instead I choose to draw upon a new map. Leaving behind that which has brought me comfort and familiarity for the new and painful journey ahead, one for which I do believe will ultimately bring me happiness which I have until now only dreamed.
Dreaming was something for others and now as this new map lays out in front of me full of promise and possibility I am filled with hope. Hope a word that would not have been used to describe my life for many years...this leaves me hopeful.
I gave him excuses, reasons if you will, for each hurdle..."then change that" was his simple and steadfast answer to each new blockade I offered to him. He was as insufferable as the counselor I saw prior to my choice to quit my job years ago and get a divorce. She, like my current doctor, was unwavering in her belief that no one is forced into a life they do not choose, she too, quickly shot down every excuse I could come up with to keep my life on course. Health insurance, job security, two incomes, my house, parents should raise a child together, she was prepared for every argument I threw her way, and he too echoed those lessons I had finally accepted so many years before. The lessons that brought to me more security by letting go, more money by giving up my job and quality time to parent my children by removing the cloud of unhappiness that enveloped my very being.
Today my path did not fork, there was no great divide for which I was forced to make a decision, instead I choose to draw upon a new map. Leaving behind that which has brought me comfort and familiarity for the new and painful journey ahead, one for which I do believe will ultimately bring me happiness which I have until now only dreamed.
Dreaming was something for others and now as this new map lays out in front of me full of promise and possibility I am filled with hope. Hope a word that would not have been used to describe my life for many years...this leaves me hopeful.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Another week, come and gone.
It's Friday...again. Just another week, nothing good, nothing bad...quite a bit of nothingness, sort of like my life the past few years. One day stumbles into the next.
If I break it down then perhaps I could say that this week was better than a month ago. I went to the gym 5 times this week. Water aerobics 4 times and cardio one. I missed one day because I never went to bed the night before.
Insomnia, my most steadfast companion, had other plans for me. Perhaps it was four different times that sleep was attempted but mostly clock watching was the activity of the night. I am mostly glad that I don't own a gun because there are nights...I'm just sayin' I know a sure fire way to clear my sinuses.
Okay, the highlights of my week...more exercise. I would like to say less eating but who am I kidding? Cleaned house, did laundry, ironing, took care of FIVE dogs, wait a minute, surely I have not just listed all these activities under my HIGHLIGHTS of the week, how sad that ironing would make my list of highlights. I REALLY do need a life. Well, I did start my book again. Since the great computer crash of November 2009, that ended up netting me a wonderful new surprise Christmas gift of a new computer, caused me to lose the entire book. I am now forced to retype the entire book. I made it to page seven.
Typing out the book is actually pretty good for me. I don't like to relive my story but it is good for me. Gratitude abounds for the decision to write this down while it was still fresh in my mind. I hope it is published one day. If my story can help just one person it would have all been worth it.
I think the most complex part of being raised by an abuser is that one never really knows what exactly they feel. Your family is still your family no matter how they treat you. Hate is strong but love is stronger. Anger hurts...everyone. It just doesn't have a place in my life. I choose to be happy. I choose to seek peace. I have peeled away those that would seek to hurt and destroy who I am. To those that seek to surround themselves with negativity, I say simply...I have no room for this energy in my life.
The old me said that I should be steadfast and unwavering in my relationships, I was taught that we do what is right because it is right. I no longer hold that to be true. Certainly all relationships ebb and flow but when you find yourself losing who you are it is best to step back and question. Being born into a family should be a blessing not a life sentence. We must all choose our paths and family has strong and everlasting ties that should be honored and esteemed but never at the cost of self.
This week I did find a bit of myself. I am preparing my office so that I can have a quiet place to work, I set up a budget to get a better handle on finances, I worked out at the gym and spent far less time in front of the TV, I cleaned out a section of my closet. One day, one task, one step...forward. I am not looking back.
If I break it down then perhaps I could say that this week was better than a month ago. I went to the gym 5 times this week. Water aerobics 4 times and cardio one. I missed one day because I never went to bed the night before.
Insomnia, my most steadfast companion, had other plans for me. Perhaps it was four different times that sleep was attempted but mostly clock watching was the activity of the night. I am mostly glad that I don't own a gun because there are nights...I'm just sayin' I know a sure fire way to clear my sinuses.
Okay, the highlights of my week...more exercise. I would like to say less eating but who am I kidding? Cleaned house, did laundry, ironing, took care of FIVE dogs, wait a minute, surely I have not just listed all these activities under my HIGHLIGHTS of the week, how sad that ironing would make my list of highlights. I REALLY do need a life. Well, I did start my book again. Since the great computer crash of November 2009, that ended up netting me a wonderful new surprise Christmas gift of a new computer, caused me to lose the entire book. I am now forced to retype the entire book. I made it to page seven.
Typing out the book is actually pretty good for me. I don't like to relive my story but it is good for me. Gratitude abounds for the decision to write this down while it was still fresh in my mind. I hope it is published one day. If my story can help just one person it would have all been worth it.
I think the most complex part of being raised by an abuser is that one never really knows what exactly they feel. Your family is still your family no matter how they treat you. Hate is strong but love is stronger. Anger hurts...everyone. It just doesn't have a place in my life. I choose to be happy. I choose to seek peace. I have peeled away those that would seek to hurt and destroy who I am. To those that seek to surround themselves with negativity, I say simply...I have no room for this energy in my life.
The old me said that I should be steadfast and unwavering in my relationships, I was taught that we do what is right because it is right. I no longer hold that to be true. Certainly all relationships ebb and flow but when you find yourself losing who you are it is best to step back and question. Being born into a family should be a blessing not a life sentence. We must all choose our paths and family has strong and everlasting ties that should be honored and esteemed but never at the cost of self.
This week I did find a bit of myself. I am preparing my office so that I can have a quiet place to work, I set up a budget to get a better handle on finances, I worked out at the gym and spent far less time in front of the TV, I cleaned out a section of my closet. One day, one task, one step...forward. I am not looking back.
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