I was hired this week to help coordinate a large Expo. How exciting to begin something new! Worry over starting up my old brain was not justified as it seems to be working well, and feels good to be putting some very underutilized skills back to work. Can't begin to say how many hours I have logged in the past few days and the smile on my face as I crank out the workload is such a pleasant change from my previous day to day.
Then fast forward to tonight...I open my facebook page only to be greeted by the offer to confirm my employment by my employer...never had this happen before and seriously I felt as giddy as a teenager. Silly how something like becoming an employee again can make someone feel. It was like I was being recognized again after feeling like a "nobody" for so long. It is NOT that I feel that stay at home Mom's aren't important because I vehemently disagree with that but in my case...my "stay at home mom" status was long ago used up. Seriously my "baby" turned 21 this year!!
So my journey takes yet another twist and I could not be happier for it. This week also I broke a VERY long plateau in my weight loss journey so that too feels amazing. So nice to feel excited for a new day, excited for the future and excited to be alive.
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Day to day doldrums
I have come here to post a few times over the past week and left with nothing to say. Those of you that know me, know that I seldom at loss for words. Guess there just hasn't been anything, "news worthy" lately. I could tell you all about how my puppy got spayed last week...poor baby, or how my daughter is enjoying college life, my sons caught an alligator (shudder to think!) or how my hubby has been busy working longer than normal hours on night shift. But these things all put together just reflect another day, another week, another month, none so very different from the ones before. The things in life that as we go through them seem big but then fade into the background that is life itself.
We are seldom defined by the big things it is the humdrum of life that better defines who we are. My daughter and I were speaking last weekend when she came to visit how dramatically my life has changed. When the children were little, it changed in an instant, someone tripped and broke a bone, a school project long forgotten was due in the morning, a heart was broken, feelings hurt...all things that needed an instant response by mom and I was always at the wheel to steer them to calmer waters.
Now my life is defined in a slower more deliberate way. Still there are those moments that require instant response but they are further and farther between. Where then does a mother go when she is no longer defined as a mother? Shifting gears is a slow and confusing process. In it's wake I will take more time to see the world around me. Volunteer more, reflect more, nurture myself more.
We are seldom defined by the big things it is the humdrum of life that better defines who we are. My daughter and I were speaking last weekend when she came to visit how dramatically my life has changed. When the children were little, it changed in an instant, someone tripped and broke a bone, a school project long forgotten was due in the morning, a heart was broken, feelings hurt...all things that needed an instant response by mom and I was always at the wheel to steer them to calmer waters.
Now my life is defined in a slower more deliberate way. Still there are those moments that require instant response but they are further and farther between. Where then does a mother go when she is no longer defined as a mother? Shifting gears is a slow and confusing process. In it's wake I will take more time to see the world around me. Volunteer more, reflect more, nurture myself more.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Alone Again...Naturally
Not so very long ago I dreaded being alone, that is where I did most of my eating. My children have now all flown away and my husband is married to his job. I spent many a day, week, month or year pretty much alone anyway, even surrounded by my family I kept alone, well within the confines of those walls that I so meticulously built. Growing up in constant abuse teaches one to keep quiet and do your best to blend. It was my desire always to be a wallflower, never dreaming of grand plans, never desiring the best of life, just learning to hope for enough.
I am blessed to have found a husband that truly does accept me for who I am, not asking more of me than I can give. He has certainly lived through some pretty bleak times with me and never wavered in his commitment to me or our marriage. He too has walls, tall ones with some pretty sturdy material that even after 25 years of marriage I have not managed to weaken. Seeing him through the years never feel good enough has caused me a great deal of pain but strangely enough it has of late taught me not to do the same. His constant feelings of inferiority have been overshadowed only by my own. As this surgery has given me fresh perspective and renewed hope I now see that these feelings are overdue to be challenged.
Now seeing my father as a lost and scared individual causes me to revisit my abuse and recognize it in a different light. There isn't an excuse for abusing a helpless child, there never will be, but now as an adult it is easier to view the experience as being perpetrated by a sick individual whose own personal needs were never addressed and met. Gone is the hate that once firmly gripped me, gone is the terrified girl that so often hid in a closet praying to escape that days beating.
We come here alone, we leave here alone, we gather experiences, hopes, enlightenment and if we are lucky we gather peace. So at this junction I can say proudly that being alone is no longer scary, it is no longer something to fear. Alone is where I now recharge, it is where I listen, it is where nature whispers to me, it is where I have begun to disassemble all the walls that have for so many years protected yet prevented me from living. As my years of fat begin to melt something new and exciting is emerging, I can't wait to get to know that lady in the mirror a little better...alone, naturally.
I am blessed to have found a husband that truly does accept me for who I am, not asking more of me than I can give. He has certainly lived through some pretty bleak times with me and never wavered in his commitment to me or our marriage. He too has walls, tall ones with some pretty sturdy material that even after 25 years of marriage I have not managed to weaken. Seeing him through the years never feel good enough has caused me a great deal of pain but strangely enough it has of late taught me not to do the same. His constant feelings of inferiority have been overshadowed only by my own. As this surgery has given me fresh perspective and renewed hope I now see that these feelings are overdue to be challenged.
Now seeing my father as a lost and scared individual causes me to revisit my abuse and recognize it in a different light. There isn't an excuse for abusing a helpless child, there never will be, but now as an adult it is easier to view the experience as being perpetrated by a sick individual whose own personal needs were never addressed and met. Gone is the hate that once firmly gripped me, gone is the terrified girl that so often hid in a closet praying to escape that days beating.
We come here alone, we leave here alone, we gather experiences, hopes, enlightenment and if we are lucky we gather peace. So at this junction I can say proudly that being alone is no longer scary, it is no longer something to fear. Alone is where I now recharge, it is where I listen, it is where nature whispers to me, it is where I have begun to disassemble all the walls that have for so many years protected yet prevented me from living. As my years of fat begin to melt something new and exciting is emerging, I can't wait to get to know that lady in the mirror a little better...alone, naturally.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
New Chapter
On February 5, 1982 I became a mom. It was without a doubt the most overwhelmingly intense rush of emotions I have ever experienced in my life. The feeling of holding this new little complete person in my arms can't be explained with mere words, it can only be experienced. He was quickly whisked away to be bathed, weighed, measured, poked and prodded and a fresh clean little guy was quickly delivered back into my waiting arms.
It wasn't until a few hours later, exhausted from the day, and after calling the nursery for them to come and get him, whereupon they explained that newborns now sleep in the mother's room that the full impact hit me...this is it...I am now and forever more will be a mother. As proud and elated as I was the room still seemed to be lacking in oxygen or at least I was unable to inhale sufficiently to ward off the now inundating fear that would accompany such a revelation. At that very moment, my son began to cry, and I was helpless to provide his needs.
Somehow we just figure it out, a diaper, a bottle, a blanket and far too soon, a boo boo, a heartbreak, a choice of colleges, and much more in-between.
Yesterday my last baby, left for college. My nest is empty, my mind is full of memories, the house feels a little less like a home. She has flown off to find her place in the world and I am left to find what is left of me. Twenty nine years, six months, eight days of parenthood will most certainly leave one unsure of who they are as an individual.
My identity has for so long been that of a mother, finding something past that just might prove to be an exciting journey. I am up for the challenge, seeing the road before me much as I did as a teenager, exciting, unknown but now better equipped for the journey with more life experiences under my belt. After all life is nothing but a series of 'figuring it out as you go'. So bring out the pencil and paper, ummm keyboard and screen, this next chapter just might be a blockbuster yet.
It wasn't until a few hours later, exhausted from the day, and after calling the nursery for them to come and get him, whereupon they explained that newborns now sleep in the mother's room that the full impact hit me...this is it...I am now and forever more will be a mother. As proud and elated as I was the room still seemed to be lacking in oxygen or at least I was unable to inhale sufficiently to ward off the now inundating fear that would accompany such a revelation. At that very moment, my son began to cry, and I was helpless to provide his needs.
Somehow we just figure it out, a diaper, a bottle, a blanket and far too soon, a boo boo, a heartbreak, a choice of colleges, and much more in-between.
Yesterday my last baby, left for college. My nest is empty, my mind is full of memories, the house feels a little less like a home. She has flown off to find her place in the world and I am left to find what is left of me. Twenty nine years, six months, eight days of parenthood will most certainly leave one unsure of who they are as an individual.
My identity has for so long been that of a mother, finding something past that just might prove to be an exciting journey. I am up for the challenge, seeing the road before me much as I did as a teenager, exciting, unknown but now better equipped for the journey with more life experiences under my belt. After all life is nothing but a series of 'figuring it out as you go'. So bring out the pencil and paper, ummm keyboard and screen, this next chapter just might be a blockbuster yet.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Journey is complete
Well, my daughter and I are successfully home from our trip to Mexico. We went for one surgery and ended up with another one and are both happy with the change. We ended up getting gastric sleeve surgery done, they take about 75% of your stomach out leaving a 'sleeve' for a stomach. We are surprised by how well we did and are excited about the new life that spreads before us.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Preparing the Way
My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The next day
An old friend invited me to be her facebook friend and we struck up a quick conversation via facebook. She asked me if I ever miss the old "soccer mom" days. Yes, was my quick reply but with it came a whirl of whys and memories.
The dreaded 8 AM game that entailed getting up on a Saturday morning at least by 5 to pack the car, dress all the kiddos and be sure we had snacks and the other barrage of items necessary for the day ahead. All six of us pile into the minivan along with way too much gear. Since my hubby helped to coach we had to be there at least an hour early and most often there would be a total of four games between the two boys. Cold toes, crying children, grumpy husband, lost socks, smelly gear...why wouldn't I miss it?
Somewhere between falling in love, cradling a newborn and packing for college, we seem to lose who we are. Who we are isn't priority when someone has a fever, lost their homework, or has a project due in the morning. What we want isn't uppermost when the children outgrow shoes at the speed of lighting or braces and glasses are overdue. Sleep and self nurturing aren't the soup du jour when you are a stay-at-home mom.
Looking back now...how I wish it were different. How I wish I would have allowed myself to be a priority, to give to my children the "permission" to be important. I learned from watching that motherhood meant selflessness. How very wrong those lessons were. If we never fill ourselves we end up with nothing to give. It might not show for years to come but it will. I long to be able to go back and give myself time alone, to teach my children that I was important and in so doing to give them the invaluable lesson that we CAN love ourselves. Instead I am left trying to find a way to do it now.
When I look back I loved it all...even the 8 AM games. The confusion, the energy, the family connection.
What have I learned?...that is a question for another day. ~Laurie
The dreaded 8 AM game that entailed getting up on a Saturday morning at least by 5 to pack the car, dress all the kiddos and be sure we had snacks and the other barrage of items necessary for the day ahead. All six of us pile into the minivan along with way too much gear. Since my hubby helped to coach we had to be there at least an hour early and most often there would be a total of four games between the two boys. Cold toes, crying children, grumpy husband, lost socks, smelly gear...why wouldn't I miss it?
Somewhere between falling in love, cradling a newborn and packing for college, we seem to lose who we are. Who we are isn't priority when someone has a fever, lost their homework, or has a project due in the morning. What we want isn't uppermost when the children outgrow shoes at the speed of lighting or braces and glasses are overdue. Sleep and self nurturing aren't the soup du jour when you are a stay-at-home mom.
Looking back now...how I wish it were different. How I wish I would have allowed myself to be a priority, to give to my children the "permission" to be important. I learned from watching that motherhood meant selflessness. How very wrong those lessons were. If we never fill ourselves we end up with nothing to give. It might not show for years to come but it will. I long to be able to go back and give myself time alone, to teach my children that I was important and in so doing to give them the invaluable lesson that we CAN love ourselves. Instead I am left trying to find a way to do it now.
When I look back I loved it all...even the 8 AM games. The confusion, the energy, the family connection.
What have I learned?...that is a question for another day. ~Laurie
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