Ah the question for which, if I had an answer, I could retire comfortably on a nice island surrounded by staff to service my every need...
What does it take?, more importantly what are we willing to give?
When I take a trip the first thing I do is map out my route. I prepare the car, ensure the dogs are taken care of, mail service is arranged, my bags are packed, then get in the car and head out.
When I need a new outfit, I take a look at sales, go to a few stores, try on a few things and make my selection.
As dinner time quickly approaches one takes the time to assemble the ingredients for a nice home cooked meal. Follows the proper steps to ensure they have a well balanced meal.
EVERY day we all make decisions that impact us. We know the wrong turn, the wrong size or the wrong sequence of ingredients will drastically affect our trip, our clothing, our meals.
Why then, with the certain knowledge that cause and effect are intrinsic, do we find ourselves repeating over and again those same mistakes that bring us pain, heartache and emptiness? Do we honestly feel that one day magically the same choice of behaviors will somehow produce a different result?
I am seven months post weight loss surgery, I feel better than I have in years, I am beginning to shop in the regular women's section of a store for the first time in well over two decades, pushing away from the dinner table was beginning to be easy, food didn't have the same allure it once did. Why then two days ago did I suddenly begin to inhale food? Where did my new found satiety go?
What am I doing? What am I searching for? What am I afraid of? What does it take?
Showing posts with label changing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changing. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
I Got a Job!
I was hired this week to help coordinate a large Expo. How exciting to begin something new! Worry over starting up my old brain was not justified as it seems to be working well, and feels good to be putting some very underutilized skills back to work. Can't begin to say how many hours I have logged in the past few days and the smile on my face as I crank out the workload is such a pleasant change from my previous day to day.
Then fast forward to tonight...I open my facebook page only to be greeted by the offer to confirm my employment by my employer...never had this happen before and seriously I felt as giddy as a teenager. Silly how something like becoming an employee again can make someone feel. It was like I was being recognized again after feeling like a "nobody" for so long. It is NOT that I feel that stay at home Mom's aren't important because I vehemently disagree with that but in my case...my "stay at home mom" status was long ago used up. Seriously my "baby" turned 21 this year!!
So my journey takes yet another twist and I could not be happier for it. This week also I broke a VERY long plateau in my weight loss journey so that too feels amazing. So nice to feel excited for a new day, excited for the future and excited to be alive.
Then fast forward to tonight...I open my facebook page only to be greeted by the offer to confirm my employment by my employer...never had this happen before and seriously I felt as giddy as a teenager. Silly how something like becoming an employee again can make someone feel. It was like I was being recognized again after feeling like a "nobody" for so long. It is NOT that I feel that stay at home Mom's aren't important because I vehemently disagree with that but in my case...my "stay at home mom" status was long ago used up. Seriously my "baby" turned 21 this year!!
So my journey takes yet another twist and I could not be happier for it. This week also I broke a VERY long plateau in my weight loss journey so that too feels amazing. So nice to feel excited for a new day, excited for the future and excited to be alive.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Day to day doldrums
I have come here to post a few times over the past week and left with nothing to say. Those of you that know me, know that I seldom at loss for words. Guess there just hasn't been anything, "news worthy" lately. I could tell you all about how my puppy got spayed last week...poor baby, or how my daughter is enjoying college life, my sons caught an alligator (shudder to think!) or how my hubby has been busy working longer than normal hours on night shift. But these things all put together just reflect another day, another week, another month, none so very different from the ones before. The things in life that as we go through them seem big but then fade into the background that is life itself.
We are seldom defined by the big things it is the humdrum of life that better defines who we are. My daughter and I were speaking last weekend when she came to visit how dramatically my life has changed. When the children were little, it changed in an instant, someone tripped and broke a bone, a school project long forgotten was due in the morning, a heart was broken, feelings hurt...all things that needed an instant response by mom and I was always at the wheel to steer them to calmer waters.
Now my life is defined in a slower more deliberate way. Still there are those moments that require instant response but they are further and farther between. Where then does a mother go when she is no longer defined as a mother? Shifting gears is a slow and confusing process. In it's wake I will take more time to see the world around me. Volunteer more, reflect more, nurture myself more.
We are seldom defined by the big things it is the humdrum of life that better defines who we are. My daughter and I were speaking last weekend when she came to visit how dramatically my life has changed. When the children were little, it changed in an instant, someone tripped and broke a bone, a school project long forgotten was due in the morning, a heart was broken, feelings hurt...all things that needed an instant response by mom and I was always at the wheel to steer them to calmer waters.
Now my life is defined in a slower more deliberate way. Still there are those moments that require instant response but they are further and farther between. Where then does a mother go when she is no longer defined as a mother? Shifting gears is a slow and confusing process. In it's wake I will take more time to see the world around me. Volunteer more, reflect more, nurture myself more.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Fall
Well for most of the country Fall has fallen upon us. I live in Arizona so for us it is but a day on the calendar. Our temps have fallen though they threaten to be back in triple digits by tomorrow...mid October! For the entire summer I have given myself the excuse that I can't exercise due to extreme heat...what then is my excuse now?
The morning and evening temps have gone down to a quite comfortable walking level, why then can I not find myself outside taking advantage? I have gone for some short walks with my dogs but honestly these walks are too little and too infrequent. I have been using my Wii and enjoying the exercise and dancing games, but that too is infrequent and fleeting.
This week I have honestly NOT been living by the code of my surgery. It is as if I am determined to fail, why do I do this to myself? How do I climb out of this hole that I have created? How do I find a way to WANT to climb out? My life pattern has remained the same...I do well, I stop doing well.
Why do we fall down? What keeps us down and how do we find something worth getting up for? I am a blessed person, my husband has a good job and we have enough. Often we don't get everything we want but always there is enough for what we need. I am a simple person, surrounding myself with a few niceties but for the most part happy with what I have. I feel complete...yet hopelessly incomplete.
I have fallen...how, when and why will I get up?
The morning and evening temps have gone down to a quite comfortable walking level, why then can I not find myself outside taking advantage? I have gone for some short walks with my dogs but honestly these walks are too little and too infrequent. I have been using my Wii and enjoying the exercise and dancing games, but that too is infrequent and fleeting.
This week I have honestly NOT been living by the code of my surgery. It is as if I am determined to fail, why do I do this to myself? How do I climb out of this hole that I have created? How do I find a way to WANT to climb out? My life pattern has remained the same...I do well, I stop doing well.
Why do we fall down? What keeps us down and how do we find something worth getting up for? I am a blessed person, my husband has a good job and we have enough. Often we don't get everything we want but always there is enough for what we need. I am a simple person, surrounding myself with a few niceties but for the most part happy with what I have. I feel complete...yet hopelessly incomplete.
I have fallen...how, when and why will I get up?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Alone Again...Naturally
Not so very long ago I dreaded being alone, that is where I did most of my eating. My children have now all flown away and my husband is married to his job. I spent many a day, week, month or year pretty much alone anyway, even surrounded by my family I kept alone, well within the confines of those walls that I so meticulously built. Growing up in constant abuse teaches one to keep quiet and do your best to blend. It was my desire always to be a wallflower, never dreaming of grand plans, never desiring the best of life, just learning to hope for enough.
I am blessed to have found a husband that truly does accept me for who I am, not asking more of me than I can give. He has certainly lived through some pretty bleak times with me and never wavered in his commitment to me or our marriage. He too has walls, tall ones with some pretty sturdy material that even after 25 years of marriage I have not managed to weaken. Seeing him through the years never feel good enough has caused me a great deal of pain but strangely enough it has of late taught me not to do the same. His constant feelings of inferiority have been overshadowed only by my own. As this surgery has given me fresh perspective and renewed hope I now see that these feelings are overdue to be challenged.
Now seeing my father as a lost and scared individual causes me to revisit my abuse and recognize it in a different light. There isn't an excuse for abusing a helpless child, there never will be, but now as an adult it is easier to view the experience as being perpetrated by a sick individual whose own personal needs were never addressed and met. Gone is the hate that once firmly gripped me, gone is the terrified girl that so often hid in a closet praying to escape that days beating.
We come here alone, we leave here alone, we gather experiences, hopes, enlightenment and if we are lucky we gather peace. So at this junction I can say proudly that being alone is no longer scary, it is no longer something to fear. Alone is where I now recharge, it is where I listen, it is where nature whispers to me, it is where I have begun to disassemble all the walls that have for so many years protected yet prevented me from living. As my years of fat begin to melt something new and exciting is emerging, I can't wait to get to know that lady in the mirror a little better...alone, naturally.
I am blessed to have found a husband that truly does accept me for who I am, not asking more of me than I can give. He has certainly lived through some pretty bleak times with me and never wavered in his commitment to me or our marriage. He too has walls, tall ones with some pretty sturdy material that even after 25 years of marriage I have not managed to weaken. Seeing him through the years never feel good enough has caused me a great deal of pain but strangely enough it has of late taught me not to do the same. His constant feelings of inferiority have been overshadowed only by my own. As this surgery has given me fresh perspective and renewed hope I now see that these feelings are overdue to be challenged.
Now seeing my father as a lost and scared individual causes me to revisit my abuse and recognize it in a different light. There isn't an excuse for abusing a helpless child, there never will be, but now as an adult it is easier to view the experience as being perpetrated by a sick individual whose own personal needs were never addressed and met. Gone is the hate that once firmly gripped me, gone is the terrified girl that so often hid in a closet praying to escape that days beating.
We come here alone, we leave here alone, we gather experiences, hopes, enlightenment and if we are lucky we gather peace. So at this junction I can say proudly that being alone is no longer scary, it is no longer something to fear. Alone is where I now recharge, it is where I listen, it is where nature whispers to me, it is where I have begun to disassemble all the walls that have for so many years protected yet prevented me from living. As my years of fat begin to melt something new and exciting is emerging, I can't wait to get to know that lady in the mirror a little better...alone, naturally.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Mirror mirror on the wall...
Change is ever-present. To stay the same is to regress, yet here I am. Fear grips me, but I don't know the core of my fear. Food has always allowed me to repress my feelings, my thoughts, my fears and here I am stripped of my best friend, my constant companion, I stand now naked from the world of feelings, thoughts and fears. Where do I turn, what do I do, who am I now?
I stand before the mirror that is my life right now and recognize nothing. Fear freezes me, suffocates me from within, unable to move, forward or backwards I am left with nothing, I hope nothing, I plan nothing, I do nothing. The calendar moves but forgets to take me with it, I see the clock clicking away, marching forward but I do not feel the passage of time.
Where to go? What to do? When to do it? Some days I just sit and feel the rise and fall of my chest, why have I come so far, just to exist? I have hidden so long under the cloak of fat that I have forgotten...
I stand before the mirror that is my life right now and recognize nothing. Fear freezes me, suffocates me from within, unable to move, forward or backwards I am left with nothing, I hope nothing, I plan nothing, I do nothing. The calendar moves but forgets to take me with it, I see the clock clicking away, marching forward but I do not feel the passage of time.
Where to go? What to do? When to do it? Some days I just sit and feel the rise and fall of my chest, why have I come so far, just to exist? I have hidden so long under the cloak of fat that I have forgotten...
Sunday, August 14, 2011
New Chapter
On February 5, 1982 I became a mom. It was without a doubt the most overwhelmingly intense rush of emotions I have ever experienced in my life. The feeling of holding this new little complete person in my arms can't be explained with mere words, it can only be experienced. He was quickly whisked away to be bathed, weighed, measured, poked and prodded and a fresh clean little guy was quickly delivered back into my waiting arms.
It wasn't until a few hours later, exhausted from the day, and after calling the nursery for them to come and get him, whereupon they explained that newborns now sleep in the mother's room that the full impact hit me...this is it...I am now and forever more will be a mother. As proud and elated as I was the room still seemed to be lacking in oxygen or at least I was unable to inhale sufficiently to ward off the now inundating fear that would accompany such a revelation. At that very moment, my son began to cry, and I was helpless to provide his needs.
Somehow we just figure it out, a diaper, a bottle, a blanket and far too soon, a boo boo, a heartbreak, a choice of colleges, and much more in-between.
Yesterday my last baby, left for college. My nest is empty, my mind is full of memories, the house feels a little less like a home. She has flown off to find her place in the world and I am left to find what is left of me. Twenty nine years, six months, eight days of parenthood will most certainly leave one unsure of who they are as an individual.
My identity has for so long been that of a mother, finding something past that just might prove to be an exciting journey. I am up for the challenge, seeing the road before me much as I did as a teenager, exciting, unknown but now better equipped for the journey with more life experiences under my belt. After all life is nothing but a series of 'figuring it out as you go'. So bring out the pencil and paper, ummm keyboard and screen, this next chapter just might be a blockbuster yet.
It wasn't until a few hours later, exhausted from the day, and after calling the nursery for them to come and get him, whereupon they explained that newborns now sleep in the mother's room that the full impact hit me...this is it...I am now and forever more will be a mother. As proud and elated as I was the room still seemed to be lacking in oxygen or at least I was unable to inhale sufficiently to ward off the now inundating fear that would accompany such a revelation. At that very moment, my son began to cry, and I was helpless to provide his needs.
Somehow we just figure it out, a diaper, a bottle, a blanket and far too soon, a boo boo, a heartbreak, a choice of colleges, and much more in-between.
Yesterday my last baby, left for college. My nest is empty, my mind is full of memories, the house feels a little less like a home. She has flown off to find her place in the world and I am left to find what is left of me. Twenty nine years, six months, eight days of parenthood will most certainly leave one unsure of who they are as an individual.
My identity has for so long been that of a mother, finding something past that just might prove to be an exciting journey. I am up for the challenge, seeing the road before me much as I did as a teenager, exciting, unknown but now better equipped for the journey with more life experiences under my belt. After all life is nothing but a series of 'figuring it out as you go'. So bring out the pencil and paper, ummm keyboard and screen, this next chapter just might be a blockbuster yet.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Head Games
No matter how long I live I will never fully understand the head games we play with ourselves. I certainly understand the complicated relationships that contribute to "who we are" and "where we come from" but no matter how many times we "deal" with our past, it continues to rare it's judgemental head often when we least expect it.
So far in my weight loss journey I have lost 47 lbs. Not bad since I just started this latest journey the end of May, a mere 2 1/2 months ago. YET, until last week I never saw any change in the person in the mirror. Others have been commenting and complimenting but honestly it never has been about what others think but rather what do YOU see when you look in the mirror. So far I have had three long stalls one for three weeks. Currently I am in a seven day stall but worse yet, I had a five pound gain in there as well. I was put on steroids so this was more than expected yet, my mind has begun it's usual downward spiral of death.
One of the greatest blessing of having had weight loss surgery is that now I get to have a new ending to this death spiral. While my head is today throwing in the towel, my much tinier tummy now gets a much bigger vote. Failure just isn't an option any more. What will I replace this loss of control with?...many who have traveled this road before me choose other equally destructive choices since overeating was removed from the equation. Some choose alcohol others obsessive shopping, gambling or promiscuity. My choice...type...type my feelings, type my anger, type my frustration.
I feel an overwhelming need to put words to feelings, as though the very act of attaching words gives authenticity to my feelings. No longer do I wish to remain quietly on the sidelines, keeping to myself thoughts, opinions and feelings. So many of us were raised to believe that we live with the hand we are dealt, we play our cards and quietly rake in whatever winnings we receive. I have made a different choice, I am throwing back my hand of cards, not to exchange for a new hand but rather I am pushing myself away from the table, choosing a new game, one in which I no longer feel dependent on the whim of another person to deal out my life.
Head games are habits that can, with time, be broken, we need to reprogram the tape recorder in our heads, take away those recording that we play just loud enough to allow our sub-conscience to hear but never loud enough to acknowledge fully. These whispered messages are the ones self image hears so loudly, starting today I will allow myself to confront those messages, replacing them with positive messages that are more in line with what I want my world to sound like.
Today I pulled out shirts that no longer fit, purged a bit of yesterday from my life. I took a few extra minutes after drying my hair to look at me...really look at me. I liked what I saw, a beautiful, middle aged woman with full curves and an open heart, ready to listen to a new message, able to see, hear, feel and hope.
So far in my weight loss journey I have lost 47 lbs. Not bad since I just started this latest journey the end of May, a mere 2 1/2 months ago. YET, until last week I never saw any change in the person in the mirror. Others have been commenting and complimenting but honestly it never has been about what others think but rather what do YOU see when you look in the mirror. So far I have had three long stalls one for three weeks. Currently I am in a seven day stall but worse yet, I had a five pound gain in there as well. I was put on steroids so this was more than expected yet, my mind has begun it's usual downward spiral of death.
One of the greatest blessing of having had weight loss surgery is that now I get to have a new ending to this death spiral. While my head is today throwing in the towel, my much tinier tummy now gets a much bigger vote. Failure just isn't an option any more. What will I replace this loss of control with?...many who have traveled this road before me choose other equally destructive choices since overeating was removed from the equation. Some choose alcohol others obsessive shopping, gambling or promiscuity. My choice...type...type my feelings, type my anger, type my frustration.
I feel an overwhelming need to put words to feelings, as though the very act of attaching words gives authenticity to my feelings. No longer do I wish to remain quietly on the sidelines, keeping to myself thoughts, opinions and feelings. So many of us were raised to believe that we live with the hand we are dealt, we play our cards and quietly rake in whatever winnings we receive. I have made a different choice, I am throwing back my hand of cards, not to exchange for a new hand but rather I am pushing myself away from the table, choosing a new game, one in which I no longer feel dependent on the whim of another person to deal out my life.
Head games are habits that can, with time, be broken, we need to reprogram the tape recorder in our heads, take away those recording that we play just loud enough to allow our sub-conscience to hear but never loud enough to acknowledge fully. These whispered messages are the ones self image hears so loudly, starting today I will allow myself to confront those messages, replacing them with positive messages that are more in line with what I want my world to sound like.
Today I pulled out shirts that no longer fit, purged a bit of yesterday from my life. I took a few extra minutes after drying my hair to look at me...really look at me. I liked what I saw, a beautiful, middle aged woman with full curves and an open heart, ready to listen to a new message, able to see, hear, feel and hope.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Road Trip = Mind Trip
Tomorrow one of my California nieces will promise to love and cherish her darling soul mate in front of family and friends. I am blessed to be going to see the wedding but a bit nervous for the trip itself. My hubby's family is, large, Italian, loud and lovely. How my newly formed tummy will adjust to the confusion, hustle and bustle will be interesting, I am sure. This will be my third trip since my surgery but the first one that includes family in the mix. I traveled home from Mexico four days after surgery, and at the four week mark I took a day trip to California to pick up my lovely new puppy, Annie. That was 13 hours to accomplish and mostly went well.
We will head out at 4 AM which for those of you that know me and my abiding friend, Insomnia, know that this is an unreasonable hour to be sure. My DH gets up every day at 3 so for him this will be just another day. I usually manage to fall asleep by 1 or 2 AM so good luck to him, dealing with my less than pleasant mood.
This trip will be my first foray into, "you lost weight" or "something is different" or maybe no one will notice at all. I did not do the surgery for outside comments, opinions or observations but certainly they do weigh heavy on one's mind. Many people that know me might misinterpret my outgoing nature as one of confidence but they would be mistaken. I have always wanted, yearned to be the wall flower. Blending in has been my steadfast wish from as long as I can remember.
Being a nobody was a matter of survival from a very young age, walking the tightrope of never being naughty enough to be noticed to never too outstanding enough to bring attention. It is a chore that I continue to foster to this day...not a day goes by that I don't allow myself to shrink. As a child this skill was perfected and made easier by having a brother that always got in trouble and siblings that were smarter, prettier, more talented and clever than I. Blending is easier when you have built in camouflage like that.
Now I find that the cloak of fat that I wore needs to be revisited, it will disappear and what will take it's place, how will I find my way without this companion of mine? How will I answer the questions that certainly will come this weekend? Will my facade of confidence serve me? Will others see the real me, will they see the scared, shaking, shivering child the abides just under the surface? Would they like the me that I am when no one is looking? Will my wall crumble this weekend, next, or will it fall at all?
Got to finish packing...
We will head out at 4 AM which for those of you that know me and my abiding friend, Insomnia, know that this is an unreasonable hour to be sure. My DH gets up every day at 3 so for him this will be just another day. I usually manage to fall asleep by 1 or 2 AM so good luck to him, dealing with my less than pleasant mood.
This trip will be my first foray into, "you lost weight" or "something is different" or maybe no one will notice at all. I did not do the surgery for outside comments, opinions or observations but certainly they do weigh heavy on one's mind. Many people that know me might misinterpret my outgoing nature as one of confidence but they would be mistaken. I have always wanted, yearned to be the wall flower. Blending in has been my steadfast wish from as long as I can remember.
Being a nobody was a matter of survival from a very young age, walking the tightrope of never being naughty enough to be noticed to never too outstanding enough to bring attention. It is a chore that I continue to foster to this day...not a day goes by that I don't allow myself to shrink. As a child this skill was perfected and made easier by having a brother that always got in trouble and siblings that were smarter, prettier, more talented and clever than I. Blending is easier when you have built in camouflage like that.
Now I find that the cloak of fat that I wore needs to be revisited, it will disappear and what will take it's place, how will I find my way without this companion of mine? How will I answer the questions that certainly will come this weekend? Will my facade of confidence serve me? Will others see the real me, will they see the scared, shaking, shivering child the abides just under the surface? Would they like the me that I am when no one is looking? Will my wall crumble this weekend, next, or will it fall at all?
Got to finish packing...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
My new tummy = my new life
Well the past day and a half have been...well, interesting. Since surgery there have been many times when my mind has been hungry, not so much my body but in the past it has always been my mind that speaks the loudest, complains the most, and ultimately gets its way.
For those of you that don't know, I live in the Valley of the Sun, aka Phoenix, AZ, aka the face of the sun!! For the most part we love living in Phoenix, we love the unique beauty that is the Sonoran Desert. BUT we also love air conditioning...a LOT. Yesterday it decided not to work, that proved to be a bit of an issue as the temps yesterday were at 106. Fortunately we found a kind, wonderful, compassionate man that came out and checked things out and this morning he returned with parts to get us up and running again.
The inside temps were never over 85 which was tolerable unless you did anything, like well, breathing or stuff like that! As soon as the repairman left I headed off, with my daughter to run our errands, I do believe that the traffic light gods were conspiring against me as I hit EVERY light for the first 13 miles of my trip, there were at least 25 lights, where the engine was idling and the sun was burning. The car a/c just could not keep up, then in keeping with my day, I got lost.
So I am sitting in my hot car, irritated, under severe time constraints (had to pick someone up from the airport), itching beyond explanation (still have my post op rash a reaction to the tape used to close my incision), thirsty and lost, when my low gas light comes on...really?! Well there is one thing you NEVER want to do while in Phoenix in the summer...that is to run out of gas. So off we go in search of a station, accidentally run across the very place we were searching for in the first place, and eventually get to a station for some much needed fuel.
I get out and pump gas while my daughter goes in the convenience store searching for anything that can safely go into our newly shaped tummies. She comes back unsuccessful but at least cooler than she was and we head off to finish errands. We rode about 40 feet and the light turns yellow. I look to her and we both start to laugh, this can't be real today.
We get a bit more serious and I told her that THIS is why I wanted this surgery, if ever there was a day that I would "cheat" on a diet it would have been today. I was upset, unsettled, lost, hot, itching, irritated, and HUNGRY...the perfect storm of dieting doom. Today my tummy talked, and I listened, perhaps I did not want to listen, but it was louder than before or maybe I have changed my hearing, the only difference is that it spoke a different language, one that until now has been foreign to me. It spoke and said, perhaps in the tiniest whisper, "I am fine, I don't need anything right now."
Words can't express how grateful that I am for the opportunity to get a grip on my eating, certainly there is always the wish that this could be accomplished with exercise and diet, that was not to be. This path was right for me...today I was grateful for a bad day, a really bad day...it reminded me why this is the journey I chose.
For those of you that don't know, I live in the Valley of the Sun, aka Phoenix, AZ, aka the face of the sun!! For the most part we love living in Phoenix, we love the unique beauty that is the Sonoran Desert. BUT we also love air conditioning...a LOT. Yesterday it decided not to work, that proved to be a bit of an issue as the temps yesterday were at 106. Fortunately we found a kind, wonderful, compassionate man that came out and checked things out and this morning he returned with parts to get us up and running again.
The inside temps were never over 85 which was tolerable unless you did anything, like well, breathing or stuff like that! As soon as the repairman left I headed off, with my daughter to run our errands, I do believe that the traffic light gods were conspiring against me as I hit EVERY light for the first 13 miles of my trip, there were at least 25 lights, where the engine was idling and the sun was burning. The car a/c just could not keep up, then in keeping with my day, I got lost.
So I am sitting in my hot car, irritated, under severe time constraints (had to pick someone up from the airport), itching beyond explanation (still have my post op rash a reaction to the tape used to close my incision), thirsty and lost, when my low gas light comes on...really?! Well there is one thing you NEVER want to do while in Phoenix in the summer...that is to run out of gas. So off we go in search of a station, accidentally run across the very place we were searching for in the first place, and eventually get to a station for some much needed fuel.
I get out and pump gas while my daughter goes in the convenience store searching for anything that can safely go into our newly shaped tummies. She comes back unsuccessful but at least cooler than she was and we head off to finish errands. We rode about 40 feet and the light turns yellow. I look to her and we both start to laugh, this can't be real today.
We get a bit more serious and I told her that THIS is why I wanted this surgery, if ever there was a day that I would "cheat" on a diet it would have been today. I was upset, unsettled, lost, hot, itching, irritated, and HUNGRY...the perfect storm of dieting doom. Today my tummy talked, and I listened, perhaps I did not want to listen, but it was louder than before or maybe I have changed my hearing, the only difference is that it spoke a different language, one that until now has been foreign to me. It spoke and said, perhaps in the tiniest whisper, "I am fine, I don't need anything right now."
Words can't express how grateful that I am for the opportunity to get a grip on my eating, certainly there is always the wish that this could be accomplished with exercise and diet, that was not to be. This path was right for me...today I was grateful for a bad day, a really bad day...it reminded me why this is the journey I chose.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Manna from Heaven
I just brewed a cup of my favorite coffee, poured it over a plethora of crushed ice with a splash of sugar free vanilla creamer...my first cup post-op...this is truly manna from heaven for me right now. I took a sip while carrying it into the office to let it rest, I love it just as the ice begins to melt, it was so perfect in a sinfully delicious way.
Here is to hoping that I begin to enjoy those little things in life that make the big things so much more tolerable.
My mantra for today...slow down, relax, take in the moment, and most importantly RECOGNIZE the moment. Oh course, if I could get rid of this incessant, flesh burning, blistering, itching rash next to my incisions it would sure make my day better...hope my doctor isn't upset over my decision to travel out of the country for weight loss surgery, I will find out in a few hours. Fingers crossed.
Here is to hoping that I begin to enjoy those little things in life that make the big things so much more tolerable.
My mantra for today...slow down, relax, take in the moment, and most importantly RECOGNIZE the moment. Oh course, if I could get rid of this incessant, flesh burning, blistering, itching rash next to my incisions it would sure make my day better...hope my doctor isn't upset over my decision to travel out of the country for weight loss surgery, I will find out in a few hours. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Journey is complete
Well, my daughter and I are successfully home from our trip to Mexico. We went for one surgery and ended up with another one and are both happy with the change. We ended up getting gastric sleeve surgery done, they take about 75% of your stomach out leaving a 'sleeve' for a stomach. We are surprised by how well we did and are excited about the new life that spreads before us.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Preparing the Way
My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Road Not Taken
And thus the journey begins...or at least it changes. Went to yet another doctor about two months ago. Tired, aching, just no jest for life...then make a change he says. Well, this time was different. This time I listened. Some bloodwork, some meds, some adjustment but the biggest change..I heard him. Yes there are physiological reasons for my issues but the biggest hurdle is the one that drives us all, the fuel that weaves and makes us, creates us in our entirety...the brain, not the one that can be seen on medical scan but the one that makes us the individuals that we are.
I gave him excuses, reasons if you will, for each hurdle..."then change that" was his simple and steadfast answer to each new blockade I offered to him. He was as insufferable as the counselor I saw prior to my choice to quit my job years ago and get a divorce. She, like my current doctor, was unwavering in her belief that no one is forced into a life they do not choose, she too, quickly shot down every excuse I could come up with to keep my life on course. Health insurance, job security, two incomes, my house, parents should raise a child together, she was prepared for every argument I threw her way, and he too echoed those lessons I had finally accepted so many years before. The lessons that brought to me more security by letting go, more money by giving up my job and quality time to parent my children by removing the cloud of unhappiness that enveloped my very being.
Today my path did not fork, there was no great divide for which I was forced to make a decision, instead I choose to draw upon a new map. Leaving behind that which has brought me comfort and familiarity for the new and painful journey ahead, one for which I do believe will ultimately bring me happiness which I have until now only dreamed.
Dreaming was something for others and now as this new map lays out in front of me full of promise and possibility I am filled with hope. Hope a word that would not have been used to describe my life for many years...this leaves me hopeful.
I gave him excuses, reasons if you will, for each hurdle..."then change that" was his simple and steadfast answer to each new blockade I offered to him. He was as insufferable as the counselor I saw prior to my choice to quit my job years ago and get a divorce. She, like my current doctor, was unwavering in her belief that no one is forced into a life they do not choose, she too, quickly shot down every excuse I could come up with to keep my life on course. Health insurance, job security, two incomes, my house, parents should raise a child together, she was prepared for every argument I threw her way, and he too echoed those lessons I had finally accepted so many years before. The lessons that brought to me more security by letting go, more money by giving up my job and quality time to parent my children by removing the cloud of unhappiness that enveloped my very being.
Today my path did not fork, there was no great divide for which I was forced to make a decision, instead I choose to draw upon a new map. Leaving behind that which has brought me comfort and familiarity for the new and painful journey ahead, one for which I do believe will ultimately bring me happiness which I have until now only dreamed.
Dreaming was something for others and now as this new map lays out in front of me full of promise and possibility I am filled with hope. Hope a word that would not have been used to describe my life for many years...this leaves me hopeful.
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