Well the past day and a half have been...well, interesting. Since surgery there have been many times when my mind has been hungry, not so much my body but in the past it has always been my mind that speaks the loudest, complains the most, and ultimately gets its way.
For those of you that don't know, I live in the Valley of the Sun, aka Phoenix, AZ, aka the face of the sun!! For the most part we love living in Phoenix, we love the unique beauty that is the Sonoran Desert. BUT we also love air conditioning...a LOT. Yesterday it decided not to work, that proved to be a bit of an issue as the temps yesterday were at 106. Fortunately we found a kind, wonderful, compassionate man that came out and checked things out and this morning he returned with parts to get us up and running again.
The inside temps were never over 85 which was tolerable unless you did anything, like well, breathing or stuff like that! As soon as the repairman left I headed off, with my daughter to run our errands, I do believe that the traffic light gods were conspiring against me as I hit EVERY light for the first 13 miles of my trip, there were at least 25 lights, where the engine was idling and the sun was burning. The car a/c just could not keep up, then in keeping with my day, I got lost.
So I am sitting in my hot car, irritated, under severe time constraints (had to pick someone up from the airport), itching beyond explanation (still have my post op rash a reaction to the tape used to close my incision), thirsty and lost, when my low gas light comes on...really?! Well there is one thing you NEVER want to do while in Phoenix in the summer...that is to run out of gas. So off we go in search of a station, accidentally run across the very place we were searching for in the first place, and eventually get to a station for some much needed fuel.
I get out and pump gas while my daughter goes in the convenience store searching for anything that can safely go into our newly shaped tummies. She comes back unsuccessful but at least cooler than she was and we head off to finish errands. We rode about 40 feet and the light turns yellow. I look to her and we both start to laugh, this can't be real today.
We get a bit more serious and I told her that THIS is why I wanted this surgery, if ever there was a day that I would "cheat" on a diet it would have been today. I was upset, unsettled, lost, hot, itching, irritated, and HUNGRY...the perfect storm of dieting doom. Today my tummy talked, and I listened, perhaps I did not want to listen, but it was louder than before or maybe I have changed my hearing, the only difference is that it spoke a different language, one that until now has been foreign to me. It spoke and said, perhaps in the tiniest whisper, "I am fine, I don't need anything right now."
Words can't express how grateful that I am for the opportunity to get a grip on my eating, certainly there is always the wish that this could be accomplished with exercise and diet, that was not to be. This path was right for me...today I was grateful for a bad day, a really bad day...it reminded me why this is the journey I chose.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Manna from Heaven
I just brewed a cup of my favorite coffee, poured it over a plethora of crushed ice with a splash of sugar free vanilla creamer...my first cup post-op...this is truly manna from heaven for me right now. I took a sip while carrying it into the office to let it rest, I love it just as the ice begins to melt, it was so perfect in a sinfully delicious way.
Here is to hoping that I begin to enjoy those little things in life that make the big things so much more tolerable.
My mantra for today...slow down, relax, take in the moment, and most importantly RECOGNIZE the moment. Oh course, if I could get rid of this incessant, flesh burning, blistering, itching rash next to my incisions it would sure make my day better...hope my doctor isn't upset over my decision to travel out of the country for weight loss surgery, I will find out in a few hours. Fingers crossed.
Here is to hoping that I begin to enjoy those little things in life that make the big things so much more tolerable.
My mantra for today...slow down, relax, take in the moment, and most importantly RECOGNIZE the moment. Oh course, if I could get rid of this incessant, flesh burning, blistering, itching rash next to my incisions it would sure make my day better...hope my doctor isn't upset over my decision to travel out of the country for weight loss surgery, I will find out in a few hours. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Journey is complete
Well, my daughter and I are successfully home from our trip to Mexico. We went for one surgery and ended up with another one and are both happy with the change. We ended up getting gastric sleeve surgery done, they take about 75% of your stomach out leaving a 'sleeve' for a stomach. We are surprised by how well we did and are excited about the new life that spreads before us.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Our quest isn't about being 'thin' or 'pretty' but rather to gain control of that which we have never seemed to be able to control. Both of us are strong, outspoken, fairly confident women and the fact that we had so little control over our eating pecked away at our beings, leaving a weak spot that continued to crumble who we were. Even though our physical state has not changed that much the mental shift has most definitely taken root and promises to shore up those crumbling walls.
My husband seems to be happy with our decision, frankly I think he was missing the carefree, lively woman that he married, the one that never shuddered in the face of new challenges, who embraced new days, new experiences and the unknown. There is something about the day to day humdrum that does peck away, sick children, being a taxi, never-ending sports practices, taking care of home and hubby, it just became too plain. Long gone were the days of excitement over trying a new recipe, enjoying the fresh clean smell of a newly scrubbed house, watching the clock excited to have my husband return after a long day at work. One day just lazily gave way to the next.
This decision was for me. The first truly selfish thing I ever remember doing for myself but this decision proves to be the very thing that will spur change among the entire household. No matter what the future holds there are no regrets.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Preparing the Way
My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
The best and biggest decision I have ever made for myself and hopefully the start of a new life for me and for my daughter. We journey together tomorrow to have bariatric surgery in Mexico. Our insurance company does not allow for any treatment for obesity at all so we felt that we had to look outside the box and get creative to be able to afford this avenue of treatment.
This is a journey of self discovery, one in which we both hope to come out the other side as thinner, healthier, happier versions of our current selves. For all the years that I taught my daughter that selflessness is important in my actions, this will now show her that we do need to put self first. Without treating ourselves as important we can not then treat others as important, for love and acceptance does truly start with self.
Walking the plank tomorrow will be cathartic, diving deep into the unknown, two independent women seeking more, better, a deeper understanding of self and a willingness to give up in order to gain.
As the surgeon cuts, he will be carving out what makes me, me. Severing the umbilical cord of food from my body, as he stitches the fresh wound he will take from me my comfort, my companion, my abiding love for salty, sweet, crunchy bits of solace from the world. In its place he will impart restraint. He will sew in control. With forcefulness I will embrace this new way of nourishing my body, leaving my mind to seek alternate gratification.
I will advise you to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...tighten up that seat belt this ride promises to be bumpy.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Road Not Taken
And thus the journey begins...or at least it changes. Went to yet another doctor about two months ago. Tired, aching, just no jest for life...then make a change he says. Well, this time was different. This time I listened. Some bloodwork, some meds, some adjustment but the biggest change..I heard him. Yes there are physiological reasons for my issues but the biggest hurdle is the one that drives us all, the fuel that weaves and makes us, creates us in our entirety...the brain, not the one that can be seen on medical scan but the one that makes us the individuals that we are.
I gave him excuses, reasons if you will, for each hurdle..."then change that" was his simple and steadfast answer to each new blockade I offered to him. He was as insufferable as the counselor I saw prior to my choice to quit my job years ago and get a divorce. She, like my current doctor, was unwavering in her belief that no one is forced into a life they do not choose, she too, quickly shot down every excuse I could come up with to keep my life on course. Health insurance, job security, two incomes, my house, parents should raise a child together, she was prepared for every argument I threw her way, and he too echoed those lessons I had finally accepted so many years before. The lessons that brought to me more security by letting go, more money by giving up my job and quality time to parent my children by removing the cloud of unhappiness that enveloped my very being.
Today my path did not fork, there was no great divide for which I was forced to make a decision, instead I choose to draw upon a new map. Leaving behind that which has brought me comfort and familiarity for the new and painful journey ahead, one for which I do believe will ultimately bring me happiness which I have until now only dreamed.
Dreaming was something for others and now as this new map lays out in front of me full of promise and possibility I am filled with hope. Hope a word that would not have been used to describe my life for many years...this leaves me hopeful.
I gave him excuses, reasons if you will, for each hurdle..."then change that" was his simple and steadfast answer to each new blockade I offered to him. He was as insufferable as the counselor I saw prior to my choice to quit my job years ago and get a divorce. She, like my current doctor, was unwavering in her belief that no one is forced into a life they do not choose, she too, quickly shot down every excuse I could come up with to keep my life on course. Health insurance, job security, two incomes, my house, parents should raise a child together, she was prepared for every argument I threw her way, and he too echoed those lessons I had finally accepted so many years before. The lessons that brought to me more security by letting go, more money by giving up my job and quality time to parent my children by removing the cloud of unhappiness that enveloped my very being.
Today my path did not fork, there was no great divide for which I was forced to make a decision, instead I choose to draw upon a new map. Leaving behind that which has brought me comfort and familiarity for the new and painful journey ahead, one for which I do believe will ultimately bring me happiness which I have until now only dreamed.
Dreaming was something for others and now as this new map lays out in front of me full of promise and possibility I am filled with hope. Hope a word that would not have been used to describe my life for many years...this leaves me hopeful.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Another week, come and gone.
It's Friday...again. Just another week, nothing good, nothing bad...quite a bit of nothingness, sort of like my life the past few years. One day stumbles into the next.
If I break it down then perhaps I could say that this week was better than a month ago. I went to the gym 5 times this week. Water aerobics 4 times and cardio one. I missed one day because I never went to bed the night before.
Insomnia, my most steadfast companion, had other plans for me. Perhaps it was four different times that sleep was attempted but mostly clock watching was the activity of the night. I am mostly glad that I don't own a gun because there are nights...I'm just sayin' I know a sure fire way to clear my sinuses.
Okay, the highlights of my week...more exercise. I would like to say less eating but who am I kidding? Cleaned house, did laundry, ironing, took care of FIVE dogs, wait a minute, surely I have not just listed all these activities under my HIGHLIGHTS of the week, how sad that ironing would make my list of highlights. I REALLY do need a life. Well, I did start my book again. Since the great computer crash of November 2009, that ended up netting me a wonderful new surprise Christmas gift of a new computer, caused me to lose the entire book. I am now forced to retype the entire book. I made it to page seven.
Typing out the book is actually pretty good for me. I don't like to relive my story but it is good for me. Gratitude abounds for the decision to write this down while it was still fresh in my mind. I hope it is published one day. If my story can help just one person it would have all been worth it.
I think the most complex part of being raised by an abuser is that one never really knows what exactly they feel. Your family is still your family no matter how they treat you. Hate is strong but love is stronger. Anger hurts...everyone. It just doesn't have a place in my life. I choose to be happy. I choose to seek peace. I have peeled away those that would seek to hurt and destroy who I am. To those that seek to surround themselves with negativity, I say simply...I have no room for this energy in my life.
The old me said that I should be steadfast and unwavering in my relationships, I was taught that we do what is right because it is right. I no longer hold that to be true. Certainly all relationships ebb and flow but when you find yourself losing who you are it is best to step back and question. Being born into a family should be a blessing not a life sentence. We must all choose our paths and family has strong and everlasting ties that should be honored and esteemed but never at the cost of self.
This week I did find a bit of myself. I am preparing my office so that I can have a quiet place to work, I set up a budget to get a better handle on finances, I worked out at the gym and spent far less time in front of the TV, I cleaned out a section of my closet. One day, one task, one step...forward. I am not looking back.
If I break it down then perhaps I could say that this week was better than a month ago. I went to the gym 5 times this week. Water aerobics 4 times and cardio one. I missed one day because I never went to bed the night before.
Insomnia, my most steadfast companion, had other plans for me. Perhaps it was four different times that sleep was attempted but mostly clock watching was the activity of the night. I am mostly glad that I don't own a gun because there are nights...I'm just sayin' I know a sure fire way to clear my sinuses.
Okay, the highlights of my week...more exercise. I would like to say less eating but who am I kidding? Cleaned house, did laundry, ironing, took care of FIVE dogs, wait a minute, surely I have not just listed all these activities under my HIGHLIGHTS of the week, how sad that ironing would make my list of highlights. I REALLY do need a life. Well, I did start my book again. Since the great computer crash of November 2009, that ended up netting me a wonderful new surprise Christmas gift of a new computer, caused me to lose the entire book. I am now forced to retype the entire book. I made it to page seven.
Typing out the book is actually pretty good for me. I don't like to relive my story but it is good for me. Gratitude abounds for the decision to write this down while it was still fresh in my mind. I hope it is published one day. If my story can help just one person it would have all been worth it.
I think the most complex part of being raised by an abuser is that one never really knows what exactly they feel. Your family is still your family no matter how they treat you. Hate is strong but love is stronger. Anger hurts...everyone. It just doesn't have a place in my life. I choose to be happy. I choose to seek peace. I have peeled away those that would seek to hurt and destroy who I am. To those that seek to surround themselves with negativity, I say simply...I have no room for this energy in my life.
The old me said that I should be steadfast and unwavering in my relationships, I was taught that we do what is right because it is right. I no longer hold that to be true. Certainly all relationships ebb and flow but when you find yourself losing who you are it is best to step back and question. Being born into a family should be a blessing not a life sentence. We must all choose our paths and family has strong and everlasting ties that should be honored and esteemed but never at the cost of self.
This week I did find a bit of myself. I am preparing my office so that I can have a quiet place to work, I set up a budget to get a better handle on finances, I worked out at the gym and spent far less time in front of the TV, I cleaned out a section of my closet. One day, one task, one step...forward. I am not looking back.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Wow is that really me?
Well, with my daughter's birthday over I took the time to download my pictures which I haven't downloaded in about a month...WOW can't believe how I look.
I have never been a vain person, looks just haven't mattered but this was pretty rough. The last few years have been filled with medical issues and I have used that to shield myself from any sort of self responsibility, while there have been legitimate medical issues that have contributed to my current condition, the truth is I just don't care. I haven't cared in so long that I forgot HOW to care.
I have long used the excuse that my husband doesn't care so why should I bother....it is time to stop. This is my journey and somewhere along the way I have allowed others to tell me what I should think, what I should feel, who I should be.
Sure I can list endlessly the why's and what's but truthfully, they don't matter. My childhood, my siblings, my parents, my husband, my children....of course they contribute, how could they not but down deep...it is me. My choices, my eating, my lack of exercise...they are the reason I am where I am today.
I have long given my power over to others, but that is NOT their fault, it is mine, power can only be given, it can not be taken. When I was little it was understandable that I did not have power over my situation but I am a grown woman...one that has been living on autopilot far too long.
How does one grab back the reins? How do you begin to crawl back to a life that brought you to where you are? Does one even desire to go back to something so painful that it was worth leaving by the wayside in the first place?
I really don't know.
One step, one bite, one word....
Someday I will be able to see the future but for today, I will take what I see and what I feel and I will see it, I will feel it. I will NOT remain numb...
I have never been a vain person, looks just haven't mattered but this was pretty rough. The last few years have been filled with medical issues and I have used that to shield myself from any sort of self responsibility, while there have been legitimate medical issues that have contributed to my current condition, the truth is I just don't care. I haven't cared in so long that I forgot HOW to care.
I have long used the excuse that my husband doesn't care so why should I bother....it is time to stop. This is my journey and somewhere along the way I have allowed others to tell me what I should think, what I should feel, who I should be.
Sure I can list endlessly the why's and what's but truthfully, they don't matter. My childhood, my siblings, my parents, my husband, my children....of course they contribute, how could they not but down deep...it is me. My choices, my eating, my lack of exercise...they are the reason I am where I am today.
I have long given my power over to others, but that is NOT their fault, it is mine, power can only be given, it can not be taken. When I was little it was understandable that I did not have power over my situation but I am a grown woman...one that has been living on autopilot far too long.
How does one grab back the reins? How do you begin to crawl back to a life that brought you to where you are? Does one even desire to go back to something so painful that it was worth leaving by the wayside in the first place?
I really don't know.
One step, one bite, one word....
Someday I will be able to see the future but for today, I will take what I see and what I feel and I will see it, I will feel it. I will NOT remain numb...
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