Creating Our Self Image Part 1

Wow, its been awhile.  Much has happened, I have been avoiding...kind of what got me to be 300lbs in the first place.

Avoiding doesn't serve anyone, secrets don't serve anyone, transparency at least for me, is the cornerstone of my healing.

Shortly after my last post, I took a wonderful, relaxing, exciting cruise with my hubby to the Caribbean. It was a dream come true, I got to take my smaller body out complete with new clothes, a swimsuit and most importantly a smile.  We toured previously only dreamed about places and ventured do things the old me would not even venture to dream of.  The highlight of it all...a dolphin experience, which I highly recommend.  Never have I felt so carefree, never have a felt so light, not just in my body but in the essence of who I was.

We dined on delightful foods, every night at dinner I tried something new, I ventured into new territory with each day.  Never once did I over eat.  I read once that three bites is the magic number, that after three bites we are no longer "enjoying" the food only eating it.  I experimented with this and found it to be quite true,  I pushed away each course of every meal within three bites.  Okay, okay PERHAPS I might have snuck in a fourth bite on the melting chocolate cake but anyone whose tried it would agree that it breaks every rule!

We laughed, we explored, we took in shows, just lived in the minute for the entire time.  It was a celebration of 25 years of marriage (a few months early to avoid hurricane season) we dreamed of tomorrow and all that we would do and experience together.  Best week of our marriage to date.

We disembarked, excited because our vacation now morphed from a cruise to an additional week with our three sons, who live in Charleston, SC a mere 2200 miles from home.  Knowing my Mother woke early I called her excited to share our lively stories of the past week.  She greeted me with excitement shared briefly in our joy then became suddenly evasive and quiet.  Inquisitive I probed her for answers, she hesitant to bring an abrupt stop to our festive moods was not forthcoming with details.  Within minutes I got from her that during our trip, our 21 year old daughter fell down a flight of stairs, broke her back and suffered from a head injury.

Frantic, as mothers tend to be when separated from a needy child, no matter their age, while standing on a street corner in downtown Charleston, near the harbor,  I turned to my husband and demanded that he call a taxi for the airport immediately. I said we are leaving on the next flight no matter the cost, no matter what had to be done.  Mere seconds later my son pulled up and knew immediately by the look on my face that I had indeed found out the news.  He rushed to my side and said simply, "Call her, she is waiting."

After a lengthy, who, what, where and when, she convinced me that my coming home would change nothing.  She had, with the help of our WONDERFUL family doctor, taken care of ex-rays, medication, and the family doc told her to have me call her at home if necessary after I got in to assuage my fears.  Confident that she would keep me well informed we hung up and I began the process of letting go.  Only another mother could understand that feeling of utter and sheer desperation to be so far away from our child in need.

We did indeed stay the full week and while a part of me did travel back to my daughter I did my best to be in the moment with my sons for the week.  Upon my return home, the brevity of our daughters situation began to reveal itself to us.  She did not improve but rather regressed, her speech, her gait, the essence of who she used to be was gone.  Replacing my confident, secure, young lady was a scared child, left without even the ability to express her fears or needs.

Within the month after we returned she was shuffled from one doctor to another, unable to work and eventually unable to even drive, she began to lose her hearing, her vision.  Now left with difficulties speaking, seeing and hearing, she began to lose the feeling in her leg and arm.  She fell again, re-injuring the exact some spot on her head.  It was during a particularly trying day that my phone rang and my husbands hematologist, he is a DVT and PE survivor (deep vein thrombophlebitis and pulmonary embolism)  office called to inquire why we never followed through on his recent CAT scan.

Confused but thinking with everything going  on perhaps I did miss it, I asked what she was talking about.  Three phone calls later I found out his last CAT scan was NOT normal as we were told but quite suspicious.  I arranged for him to get a new scan without too much worry, certainly if something was REALLY wrong the doc would have told us. I received a call from the doctor the day after the scan.  He used words like, "Your husband is a delightful man, I hate to say this"...blah blah blah...GET TO THE POINT.

Long story short, after reviewing the previous cat scans, and speaking with a number of other docs...he has lymphoma.  Most likely stage four.   The numerous nodules, enlarged lymph nodes, fact that they were in all four quadrants, rapidly growing, coupled with some slow growing, added up to nothing good.  I asked what are the possibilities that it could be something else, he said slim to none but we would hurriedly rule out what few things might be at play.

Where was I to turn?  My husband has stage 4 cancer, my daughter has had to drop out of college where she was an honor student, she can't work, drive and doing basic daily task are difficult if not impossible.

Where was I to turn?  While having fun in a tropical setting, my family was unknowingly falling apart.

Where was I to turn?  I could not lean on my now sick husband, I could not further burden our needy daughter.

Where was I to turn?  My once active social life, filled with loving, caring friends, had dwindled with each decade gained on the scale I became more and more reclusive until my only friends existed through online social media.

Where was I to turn?  My friend, my constant companion, the only one that never judged me, that kept constant vigil...food.

Yes, she was not to be trusted as my private sins, she made public on my hips but she had never abandoned me.  She was not suffering the after effects of a traumatic brain injury, she was not teetering on the edge of life and death.  She was warm, cold, sweet, crunchy, salty, bitter, she was there.

Not This Time.

As a child we form our beliefs, they are formed so deep in our sub-conscience that we often don't even know or question them, for me this journey of self discovery, without my former best friend mindless eating, has been all about finding my beliefs then questioning them.  I hold fast to those beliefs that prove themselves to be worthy of keeping and challenge those that would serve to hurt my journey.  The only trouble with challenging is that is isn't like finding a pebble, that you can pick up and view from every angle and then easily discard, it is much more like an iceberg, you may discover it but the complexities sometimes lay too deep to fully explore.

In my lifetime, happiness was a very illusive thing, any hope of being happy was quickly dashed by tragedy or pain.  The past few weeks have brought me...happiness, true happiness, nothing has happened, no event that would bring most to the place of happiness, but rather there has been a feeling from within of contentment, I have let go of the "what if's" that have previously kept happiness at bay. In no way am I saying that throughout my 51 years I have not ever been happy, but rather that fleeting happiness I have felt has been overshadowed by fear.

Earlier this week, after a dreaded but successful clothes shopping trip, I came home, put down my bags, spoke to my dogs and felt it....happiness...only happiness.  I actually stopped what I was doing, took a deep breath and waited...isn't that about as silly as things can be I literally waited for the next few moments, I was as surprised by my feelings as one would be when you walk into a room flip on the light and no light comes on.  We all know the first thing we do is to flip it again!

I stood in my living room and realized that I was indeed having one emotion...simply happiness.  I started to laugh, I am sure my dogs were confused and thankfully no one else was around to see this awkward moment when I realized that a good emotion can exist singularly.  Often that day I stopped to question the validity of my happiness and each time I was left with the same previously unknown feeling, that indeed one can be happy for the sake of happiness alone.

Since that Monday a mere four days ago, I have experienced the wonderful feeling of singular happiness many times.  It has not been followed by fear, unworthiness or a dramatic human event.  Of course, I have dissected it, examined it and questioned it but mostly I have enjoyed it.  Could it change tomorrow?, absolutely! Does that diminish my current joy of experiencing joy...not this time.

Not this time...

Not this time!

What does it take?

Ah the question for which, if I had an answer, I could retire comfortably on a nice island surrounded by staff to service my every need...

What does it take?,  more importantly what are we willing to give?

When I take a trip the first thing I do is map out my route.  I prepare the car, ensure the dogs are taken care of, mail service is arranged, my bags are packed, then get in the car and head out.

When I need a new outfit, I take a look at sales, go to a few stores, try on a few things and make my selection.

As dinner time quickly approaches one takes the time to assemble the ingredients for a nice home cooked meal.  Follows the proper steps to ensure they have a well balanced meal.

EVERY day we all make decisions that impact us.  We know the wrong turn, the wrong size or the wrong sequence of ingredients will drastically affect our trip, our clothing, our meals.

Why then, with the certain knowledge that cause and effect are intrinsic, do we find ourselves repeating over and again those same mistakes that bring us pain, heartache and emptiness?  Do we honestly feel that one day magically the same choice of behaviors will somehow produce a different result?

I am seven months post weight loss surgery, I feel better than I have in years, I am beginning to shop in the regular women's section of a store for the first time in well over two decades, pushing away from the dinner table was beginning to be easy, food didn't have the same allure it once did.  Why then two days ago did I suddenly begin to inhale food?  Where did my new found satiety go?

What am I doing?  What am I searching for?  What am I afraid of? What does it take?

I Got a Job!

I was hired this week to help coordinate a large Expo.  How exciting to begin something new!  Worry over starting up my old brain was not justified as it seems to be working well, and feels good to be putting some very underutilized skills back to work.  Can't begin to say how many hours I have logged in the past few days and the smile on my face as I crank out the workload is such a pleasant change from my previous day to day.

Then fast forward to tonight...I open my facebook page only to be greeted by the offer to confirm my employment by my employer...never had this happen before and seriously I felt as giddy as a teenager.   Silly how something like becoming an employee again can make someone feel.  It was like I was being recognized again after feeling like a "nobody" for so long.  It is NOT that I feel that stay at home Mom's aren't important because I vehemently disagree with that but in my case...my "stay at home mom" status was long ago used up.  Seriously my "baby" turned 21 this year!!

So my journey takes yet another twist and I could not be happier for it.  This week also I broke a VERY long plateau in my weight loss journey so that too feels amazing.  So nice to feel excited for a new day, excited for the future and excited to be alive.

Surviving

I am a survivor of childhood abuse.  I was raised to never speak of it, to remember the good and let the bad go.  I was to love him, understand him, be kind, patient, grateful...

How does one do this in actuality?  How do you lick your wounds alone and in silence? For me...I ate.  I ate away the disappointment, the lack of support.  I stuffed in the certain knowledge that indeed perhaps my father was right, I could never be smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, basically that no matter what I ever did, said, believed or felt, I would never be enough.

Recently the pain of memories long repressed have reared their ugly head again. In my adult life I have sought out counselling about a half dozen times.  Each time I leave stronger, more confident, part of my perpetual tape recording of unworthiness cut.  But like an onion the effects of abuse are layered, one can not wish away a layer prematurely.  Our wonderful minds sometimes don't allow us to peal away more than we can handle at a time.  Rather we peal away to the raw nerve of our innermost pain until we can no longer peal away for that time.

With my weight loss surgery I am forced to deal with my actual issues as stuffing them away conveniently with donuts and soda just is no longer in the cards.  I have tried!  Not a good idea post surgical weight loss.

I went back to my counselor in the past two weeks and since my first time there with her was for an issue with my children we never got to delve into my own past.  I was asked to write down a few items from my childhood that I felt might have left an impact in my life and to quantitate each event.   I sat down and within minutes I had three pages of memories but was unable to place an order of importance on each event.

Which is worse, being beaten until blood dripped from your back and legs or seeing your sibling similarly  beaten? Which has a greater impact, your brother being murdered or not eating day after day until you no longer felt hunger? Never knowing what might set him off, a look, a spilled glass of milk, constantly being on your toes to remember your manners for it wasn't just yourself you could endanger but the beating of your sibling or mother.

What we wouldn't have done to have a place to go, a bed to sleep in without the fear of being found. But sadly for us that was not to be. Today I attended a luncheon for a local shelter, I sat and listened as one after the other spoke of the good that came out of their stay in the shelter. How do we mend?  Where do we mend?  To whom do you turn?

This I know, we must never stop trying.  We can't begin to know the pain and suffering of another individual. Happy well adjusted people do not over eat to the point of morbid obesity, alcoholics aren't thirsty...we are all searching for what ever is missing.

My greatest fear is that my father was right.  I will work everyday to prove that he was mistaken, that I am pretty enough, strong enough, able enough.  I am enough.

Day to day doldrums

I have come here to post a few times over the past week and left with nothing to say. Those of you that know me, know that I seldom at loss for words.  Guess there just hasn't been anything, "news worthy" lately.  I could tell you all about how my puppy got spayed last week...poor baby, or how my daughter is enjoying college life, my sons caught an alligator (shudder to think!) or how my hubby has been busy working longer than normal hours on night shift.  But these things all put together just reflect another day, another week, another month, none so very different from the ones before.  The things in life that as we go through them seem big but then fade into the background that is life itself.

We are seldom defined by the big things it is the humdrum of life that better defines who we are.  My daughter and I were speaking last weekend when she came to visit how dramatically my life has changed.  When the children were little, it changed in an instant, someone tripped and broke a bone, a school project long forgotten was due in the morning, a heart was broken, feelings hurt...all things that needed an instant response by mom and I was always at the wheel to steer them to calmer waters.

Now my life is defined in a slower more deliberate way.  Still there are those moments that require instant  response but they are further and farther between.  Where then does a mother go when she is no longer defined as a mother?  Shifting gears is a slow and confusing process.  In it's wake I will take more time to see the world around me.  Volunteer more, reflect more, nurture myself more.

Fall

Well for most of the country Fall has fallen upon us.  I live in Arizona so for us it is but a day on the calendar.  Our temps have fallen though they threaten to be back in triple digits by tomorrow...mid October!  For the entire summer I have given myself the excuse that I can't exercise due to extreme heat...what then is my excuse now?

The morning and evening temps have gone down to a quite comfortable walking level, why then can I not find myself outside taking advantage?  I have gone for some short walks with my dogs but honestly these walks are too little and too infrequent.  I have been using my Wii and enjoying the exercise and dancing games, but that too is infrequent and fleeting.

This week I have honestly NOT been living by the code of my surgery.  It is as if I am determined to fail, why do I do this to myself?  How do I climb out of this hole that I have created?  How do I find a way to WANT to climb out?  My life pattern has remained the same...I do well, I stop doing well.

Why do we fall down? What keeps us down and how do we find something worth getting up for?  I am a blessed person, my husband has a good job and we have enough.  Often we don't get everything we want but always there is enough for what we need.  I am a simple person, surrounding myself with a few niceties but for the most part happy with what I have.  I feel complete...yet hopelessly incomplete.

I have fallen...how, when and why will I get up?